The Spoon Doesn't Lie...

I've spent the past two years (well, ok, more like one-and-a-half) working my butt off to ensure I have every option and advantage possible when it comes to making this decision, and I finally narrowed it down to two very different (but both freakishly Nexusy) choices. The mild panic attack I just had over making such a big decision in the first place didn't help, nor has my reoccurring volition to base it solely on maximizing radical change in my life. Hell, once I thought I made the decision, and then turned against it solely because everything just seemed to be moving too well in that direction. To be honest, I'm not sure if I will love where I am going, in fact, I figure there is a chance I will leave. But there is also a chance that it will be one of the best times of my life, and the more I think and ask about it, the more encouragement I get, even from many fortuitously placed strangers. In the long run I really feel it's for the best, so ladies and gentlemen, without further ado...The spoon doesn't lie. See you in Massachusetts.

Ski More College

...yeah... that was on a bumper sticker on a car with roof racks...thought it was clever...Anyway, so the quest for JuicyU continues and I think we can safely cross Skidmore off the list...It was nice (in a summer camp meets eco-friendly big prep school in the very pretty middle of nowhere kind of way) and the people were OK (in a preppy meets hippy sorta way) But I don't know if i could see myself there for a solid 4 years without losing my mind, or at least half of my brain cells because, um...party school much? I was walking around the senior housing and every appartment had a recycling bin filled over the top with beer crates, and I looked inside one of them and it was just all bottles all along the counter. This was thursday afternoon. The freshman dorm also breaks several doors/windows a semester.

While the college itself wasn't so amazing, (PS who was smart enough to put accepted candidates day on 4/20?) the 2.5 hour ride up there actually was. My dad got a guy that works for him (early 20s?) to drive me up, and even though we had never met before we spent the entire time bonding and talking about feelings. (yay!) It was highly enjoyable, and I learned some interesting things:

1. I am a severely harsh realist
2. His ex girlfriend is a bitch
3. If you think someone is lying, they probably are
4. If you do not know if a guy or a girl is lying, trust the guy
5. His ex girlfriend is a bitch
6. Guys hurt more after a break up...they may rarely get attached, but when they do, they really do...
7. Dating two guys simontaneously and just not telling one about the other is apparently a really bitchy thing to do (who knew?)
8. His ex girlfriend is a BITTCHHH!!!
9. Number 4 is void if the guy is a player
10. You may think that your life is at a horrible point, but it really could be worse...You have a lot to be thankful for.
11. When looking at a prospective mate, you can learn a lot about them from their family
12. being the youngest and only guy with 9 older sisters is...interesting
13. When you realize that your serious girlfriend of 3 yearswhom you almost married has been dating another guy for 4 months, and the other guy finds out that she's been tagging you along for 3 years, plotting together on an elaborate confrontation inwhich to humiliate the bitch is the thing to do!

Yeah, learned a little more from that than I probly would have at the anatomy class i slept through...

Senior Spring....Or Not....

Dad: I don't wanna hear any more of this senioritis bullshit...if you don't try your best to get back on superus you're going to summer school.

( Juicy's thinking: Isn't this how bad movies are started? oh god...)

Juicy: dad...it's senior spring...these grades don't matter.

Dad: yes, they do! they will be on your record for the rest of your life. Trust me, I am an employer and if I'm going to spend $150,000 on someone I want to know they always did their best.

Juicy: But dad, do you have any idea how hard i worked junior year? i was like a hypochondriac caffeine addict. it was not healthy!!!

Dad: well, go back to the caffeine then! i've been doing the caffeine for 50 years and look where I got

Juicy: your Doctor says your at high risk of a heart attack...

Dad: well at least I know I gave it my all

Juicy: true...

What Juicy wanted to say but kindly didnt to avoid her father's midlife crisis:

Gave it your all for what, huh? for a huge, empty house and a boat that's never big enough? You're never happy. to pay for my education so I could grow up to be just like you? for a highschool average you still remember 30 years later? everytime I talk to you you regret not being a Bill Gates so some part of you clearly feels like you failed something. All you care about is "success" that you measure in social status. Whatever happenned to just enjoying your life? What if I don't mind just being average? I don't need all that. You've been alive for fifty years, how could you not have seen that you can't always give it your best 24/7? That hard work doesn't always pay off? C'mon I know you know that. Yeah maybe I am giving up, and maybe you're not proud of me. But sorry for not jumping back in the ring to fight the good fight when I don't have anything left to fight for.

What Juicy Then Said: Dad...when was the last time you stopped perpetually thinking about the next step and just enjoyed the present?

Dad: You can never stop thinking about the next step; it'll be there before you know it.


That, ladies and gentlemen, is the end of childhood.

Breast Fest

hah...hah...rape. Ok, actually no. So i was only at Smith for 24 hours, but apparently that was long enough for me to absorb the fem nazi PC vibe (and get antsy as hell, and accidentally check out a transexual, and meet lots of lesbians) Anyway, there was an exhibit on the in the quad. Every rape victim or friend/family member of a rape victim decorated a t shirt and hung it up. There were over 200 shirts (which is pretty disturbing within itself) and here were a few of the most shocking writings:

"I'm 20 years old and still waiting for my first kiss because of you"

"I came to you for help after I had just been raped. I was still shaking. You raped me again"

"big brother, how does it feel to have your 3 year old sister suck your 18 year old cock?"

"daddy, how could you do that to me?" (like 1/3 of them were peoples dads)

"yeah, but you didn't get raped like i got raped, a random guy on the street with a knife, you knew him, it doesn't count"

yeah...rape...not so funny. But before I get too serious, let's give you mango addicts something else to (consentually) suck on...
ok yeah couldn't think of anything, we'll just have to stick with rape for now...later!

I'm Sorry I Byrned My Toast

So pretty much the stupidest little thing can lead to the worst most disproportionate consequences, and I am clearly not to be trusted when it comes to self-restraint. My mom, being the eternal optimist that she is, said that things always work out for the best, and sometimes in life the worst things can lead to the very best things. I'm not really sure of that myself, or rather, if it's always true, but i really hope it is. And when it comes to people who arguably risked their ass to save mine, I hope it comes true pretty damn quickly.

Shout Outs. BB.

Damn That Toast

Seriously...yeah that's pretty much it seeing as i've already bitched about my life to the max and can't think of anything else to say right now. It's nice outside today. Hopefully it wont snow tomorrow. Also hopefully, I will have a good week next week, which means that not only will the weather be nice, but i will not want to kill myself. Why you ask? beacuse of the toast.

You see, bread is very good, but when you want to make the bread better, you toast it and add butter. The only problem with this is the more you toast the bread, the higher the risk you run of ruining your scrumptious snack all together. while a nice golden brown is appreciated and considered worthy in life in lieu of the pallid, whiteness of bread, the toast can quickly devovlve from a beautiful brown to an [i have a bad vocaublary so just insert a word that means "disgusting and really really bad"] black. it's hard to know when to stop toasting your toast, and only years of life experience can tell you just what that perfect time is. Most people however, can get a good idea of how much is too much before they're toast has actually turned to nasty black ash. I however, have never been a good or cautious toaster. With every added minute on the dial, i was intrigued by the increasing amount of warmth rising from the mouth of the machine, and often questioned just how warm it really was...it was only after i looked down and saw the dark abyss where my healthy golden toast used to be that i turned off the toaster, and realized what i had done to my once tasty golden toast. I do not like black toast. I am not think i am a black toast type of person. I dont deliberatley burn my toast, i am just attempting to make it more delicious, really. I cannot undo the toasting i have done, and it will be a long time before i can get a new white piece of bread out all together. I can only hope that I have not burned my toast too much, and that if i add enough butter i'll still be able to palatte it without grimacing as i am forced to swallow it. or maybe if Im really lucky, my toast will be scrutinized further, and i will find that if you scrape the little bits of ash off the surface, it was not too black at all, and an even nicer shade of golden brown.

Wish me luck, and a tasty piece of toast.

Juicy's List of Fabulous Fuck Ups

I would just like to take this time to announce that I have fucked myself over yet again, and my life continues to hit newfound alltime lows that were not considered possible up until this point. Here's why. But Before I go onto bitch about my masochisticly cursed existence i would like to shout out all my friends, old and new, because theyre pretty much the only valuable things I have left after half a term, and maybe even a whole year if i think about it too much, of dissapointing myself.

1. as for the first most promintent problem on my mind, i may be pretty dumb sometimes (as i was at this particular time, VERY dumb and just getting dumber) but im not dumb enough to post anything about it on the internet. lets just say we'll see where it goes, and pray to God above (if he exists, or perhaps just Fate if it has any plans for me after all) I stil have a shot at my top choice college and a solid year and a half of working myself into a stupor was not literally flushed away.

2. On the topic of making poor decisions, i have recently realized i am an absolute failure at time management. I also re-realized (this seems to happen alot, so we can add an inablity to learn from the first fuck up to my list of fuck ups) that i cannot live on no sleep and gross amounts of taurine and caffeine, nor can i really buckle down and work in my friends rooms, nor can i socialize until 2 and then start productive work at 4 and continue it until 6, nor can i set my alarm for 5:30 and actually expect myself to get up, nor can i leave off three major assignments to one weekend. (which at my school really means "a day and a half of free time," its very misleading...) Up until now i feel i have been cut a ridiculous amount of slack for my inability to "actually hand anything in on time" (<--- words that will start an epiphany, I swear) but im sick of needing it. really. im sortof disgusted with myself.

3. for the reason detailed in number two, i skipped several classes to catch up and did not get my grades back up to where i want, and i think one of my teachers hates me...(at least one anyway) So not only will i have to deal with my dad yelling at me for poor grades and number 1 simontaneously (ouch), i also get to explain to my advisor what the fuck was going on that last week of school, in addition to number 1. because of said falling grades, again, about a year and a half of work has now been defenstrated.

4. this isnt really a fuck up, but i would just like to take this time to yell at blogger for making me upgrade and confusing me with this new google account thing. thanks blogger, thanks alot for making my life even more annoying. youre supposed to be comforting me here.

6. i failed my drivers test. i blame the car completely, but this still counts as a fuck up...

7. end of this hockey season....awesome start, then I don't know what happenned...this was probably concurrent with when i stopped sleeping

8. i'm 17 and still alone. i dont even want to think about how many fuck ups that entails.

by now youre probably thinking "don't worry juicy, theres more to life than grades, achieving personal goals, freedom, sports, relationships, and college admission" and this is very true, but there may aswell not be because it just gives me something else to fuck up eventually. woohoo!

Dear Life, A few questions...

1. What the fuck? It seems everytime I think something is in my past it creeps up on me when i least expect it and most need it. Is there such a thing as destiny and fate, or is this just the way things work out? (though I suppose if im a N.o.F I cant really question fate's existence...my bad...) And if everything from your past does come back to you eventually and is in that way 'fated' to happen, then doesn't that almost make fate less of a big deal if it applies to everything, and not just a few special instances? or,

2. Is just my life this fucked up? seriously...all this shit happenns that always seems so interconnected with everything else and freakishly ironic. Am I just a hallucinating psycho? I mean, we know I'm a psycho at least, Jesus Christ never knew how much of a psycho I was, but why do these things keep happenning to me? and why do they always have to be such a big deal? on the opposite end of the spectrum, If i stop reading my life like a book i might be able to be a little more objective, maybe still a psycho but at least not a psycho with some twisted perception of reality. Then again I'm starting to learn we're all a little psycho.

3. When Dammit? OK, I get the whole 'things happen for a reason and you can always learn stuff' concept, and I've learned a shit load, but what exaclty am I supposed to do with loads and loads of knowledge about how Im a PSYCHO???

ok yeah, 2 40 AM, done WAYYY too much thinking for one day and not enough sleeping for one week, def time to call it a night...dont ask me to explain this....

You Knew It Was Coming...

Well I don't feel like doing my CompGov reading just yet, (if I ever do) so I'm going to take a second to rant about the upcoming "holiday" AKA a catholic saint's feast blown entirely out of proportion because we are a society of dreamy-eyed pussies who gobble up romantic comedies like no other (myself not entirely excluded- still haven't decided which one I'll be bawling my eyes out to come wednesday).

Honestly, I can never decide whether I like Valentine's day or not. On one hand, I get to wear my favorite colors (even if i look like a total tool because I dont actually have a valentine) and eat a lot of chocolate and feel loved by all my friends that send me valentines. (key word in that sentance being 'friends') On the other hand, it disturbs me how Hallmark has taken the most complex and f-ing fickle human emotion (cuz thats really all romantic love is and all that Valentine's day intends to celebrate), something that people have spent thousands of years living and trying to figure out, something that people have even died for, and reduced it to a tacky red heart with a doilie behind it. Seriously. And as if human relationships were that simple. It makes sense to celebrate romantic love and all, but do we have to be so goddam tacky about it? When I think of Valentines day I think of cheap serrated to/from cards (the kind they gave out in grade school and that I only got because you had to be nice and give them to everyone) and tacky one-liners like "will you be my valentine?" Yuck. who wants to be a valentine? It's phrases like that that almost make me glad i'm alone. And even if someone were to ask me out, i'd almost be embarassed to say he did it on Valentine's day just because it's so cliche and superficial sounding.

Let's also not forget that Valentine's day inevitibly makes at LEAST fifty percent of the population miserable. If you are alone, it gets rubbed in even further. If you are alone but someone asks you out, the relationship is in all liklihood doomed because the guy/girl had to wait for some stupid holiday to do anything about it, not to mention probably reduced themself to generic gift giving in lieu of anything really meaningful or thoughtful. (flowers and chocolate: sweet motion, yes, sometimes tasty, but that's pretty much it.) Now let's look at the people who are actually in relationships: half of them will relish the opportunity to show how much they love each other, while the other half will feel awkward because they have no idea what to do, or because one person got really into it and the other didn't. (so now at least 12.5 percent of the population feel like horrible people, and the other 12.5 percent feel like fools. Awesome!)

Now that I've vented my excessive bitterness, I can go on to appreciate what little joy I get from the holiday, i.e. free candy, nice colors, and presents from my friends. (cuz I really do appreciate those, seeing as i'm careful to never actually expect anything to begin with, for those of you that missed my lovely "emo blog" which i would actually link you to but that takes way too much effort) Plus there's always the joy of living vicariously through others and hearing about all the cute shit that happenned to them. As for me, I took a bite of my first piece of Valentine's Day chocolate the other day and I cut my gum...I think we can take that as an omen...

24 HOURS BITCHES!!!!!

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I, Juicy, and Polly, My Indian Sex Kitty (well technically just me but whatever) has broken 24 hours of consecutive conciousness for the first time EVERRR!! How did she do it you ask? Well it all started with these Blue Demon Full Throttles, chosen partially because they were tequila flavored (I think) which are pretty much the sickest things ever (yes, better than Amp)because they taste amazing (good amazing, not like nasty oversweet energy drink so just bear it amazing)and will pretty much have you walking around your neighborhood yelling random things and running around in the snow (!) at six o clock in the morning. Well, at least it will give you the energy to....the psycho bit is probably just me. Though I swear to god that tree looked like a creepy guy.....hey now I've only gotten 13 hours of sleep in the past five days...dammit i need to be awake by 12....Oh, I should also probably add in that we split a red bull and had a sugarload of sour patch kids cotton candy, which is nasty at first but gets sort of "morish" on you (as my mom said before she started spanking me and making S&M jokes...really, she did) And the four American Pie movies really helped too...funny how if i were doing work id've been dead 4 hours ago...ok ISK is getting tired and I should probably sleep, though this whole psycho conciousness thing is really fun.

WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!

Starbucks=Life

So I would be on my 3rd energy drink/ 5th (?) caffeneited beverage in 24 hours (the much feared 'full throttle', it was all blockbuster had, probably has something to do with it being owned by coke...monopolistic nazis)and watching every single American Pie film ever made (except American Wedding cuz blockbuster is annoying like that) except that my Indian Sex Kitty actually fell asleep during our "ten minute nap" almost two hours ago, so here I am blogging for both your and my entertainment. wheeeee!!
So I was working in Starbucks the other day (because that's pretty much all I do now, and yet I still manage to hand everything in late because I am a failure and a lazy ass with no time management skills who just won't learn to stop pushing it to the last minute and who has severly fucked herself over for like the third time and who is absolutley sick of always cramming shit at the last minute. Who would have thought that one three hour nap monday afternoon would fuck me over for the rest of the week? That said, I should probably be working on the rewrites that have been hanging over my head for like a week, But like I said, i've been doing nothing but papers since saturday night and there is simply no paper writing function left in me. the 13 hours of sleep over three days really helped too. Wow that was a long parenthetical rant.) ANYWAY I was being studious in starbucks and I looked up and saw a kid, couldn't have been older than 10, doing her Wordly Wise homework on the table next to me. I looked to the other side and saw a mom with two kids, maybe 8 and 5, looking equally productive. What has become of society?!? OK, Highschool and college students I get, but elementary school kids are now joining the regular starbucks workforce too? That is just wrong...
It's funny though, how starbucks turns into a noisy, brand-name beverage selling library on Sunday nights....go down and see for yourself sometime. It's all highschool students in little groups with their drinks and books. I really have to wonder how i ever got work done before this place popped up...pshh, the library...

Yeah so im pretty much the biggest dork on the face of the planet and it's getting worse and worse as time progresses. Or maybe I'm not because....

Graph That!

...all on the floor, graph that! give me some more....graph that!


yeah, we can all thank koopon for that one. So today i realized that 1. i am way too lazy for my own good and have no self discipline (which should be reallllllly fun to explain to my advisor tomorrow) 2. I am so NOT on the honor roll for midterm so we can say bye to driving permissions (not that i really ever ask the deans anway so i dont really care...can i get a *snap*snap* for a 79 in Philo and Lit? yeah....i thought so...) and 3. now that i have embraced my failure, i may aswell enjoy what little ounce of life i have left before my male biological predecessor kills me, or I start actually doing work again to get my grades up for when it actually counts. Why did I apply to Harvard again?

So that's pretty much what I'm doing now....procrastinating the comp lab blogging with koopon who is doing his usual amusing babbling. Oh, and I wrote a newspaper article to put in some over-achiever points, though seriously sunday chapel does need to die. Why does society want us to be productive again? [insert polly rant here] Oh, and I wrote a short story for English that made me really happy (next time you see vertical just call him Hamlet) And shout outs to OSK too...though I heard about the fate of Batman...there's still hope...sorta....you never know. I could think of more things to write about but i'd probably end up ranting, being emo, and generally not being productive. I can tell myself that I will be productive later, but that's only after i've kicked my indian sex kitty out of my room or made her do work, which means about an hour later i'll want to go to bed. Ahh...dorm life. Duds Day tomorrow though, that should be fun even though I am wayyy overdue for laundry. And hopefully I can dye my hair and then wash it out before the Yale interview. College is taking over life. That is so wrong, but luckily only for the next 3-and-a-half-months. Wow...i dunno if that's too long or surprisingly soon....Oh well, nothing I can do about it now but study comp gov and pray to god I don't get waitlisted. Later!

oh, and shout outs to gavrich for those notes!

Emo Blogging

If you don’t expect anything you’ll never be disappointed. It’s a proven fact, and it’s pretty much how I live my life. You’d think it would be the least emotionally dangerous way to go about things, seeing as you never get fucked over. but what they don’t tell you is that after years and years of not expecting anything, you may not get hurt by other people, but you end up hurting yourself even more, and it’s the kind of hurt that no one else can deliver quite as poignantly as you can. It’s not the crippling, painful blow that comes all at once when someone turns you down, but a creeping soreness that you don’t even realize is a pain until it’s disturbed. And once it is, there’s no going back.
When someone else tells you youre not good enough, you can always tell them they’re wrong or just run away from them. It sucks to have someone else disappoint you like that, which is why so many people (like myself) will go to crazy lengths to avoid just that situation. But really which is worse? Having someone else fuck you over and getting over it, or giving yourself just that tiny little pinch of “ just don’t bother” everyday until that part of you is so numb you don’t even realize you’re touching it. And when it does get jabbed a little harder than usual, it bleeds like hell until you can grow and even thicker scab, whose dried and flaky carnage slowly replaces the space that used to be saved for nerve endings.
Hello, my name is Juicy and my soul consists of a large clump of dried cells that don’t even have nuclei. Whatever you do, don’t turn out like me.

G+G+G+ Bitching

Hmm...so it's been awhile since I posted anything but it's hard to think of anything really significant to post about, seeing as my life in the winter can pretty much be summed up in the following three Gs:

-grades
-goaltending
-gossip whoring

(only not so much the first nowadays, oops...) So let's talk about the last one. The other night at dinner two friends and I were sitting around, and a little fac brat had a note addressed to a friend of ours. Not only did we spend half an hour or more trying to procure the note from this kid (since when do they make 11 year olds that look like six year olds that think like 16 year olds?) under the pretext that she was planning to give it to her facutly parent and we were doing the people that were actually meant to read the note a favor by intercepting it first. (cmon, its sorta true...) Anyway, the note didn't contain anything fantastic but getting it kept me amused for about forty-five minutes. (ohh...life metaphor!)And even if it did my new years resolution would prevent me from publishing it on the internet. *stick-out-tongue-smiley*

Like I said, the first G hasn't been getting too much attention in the past few days, but hopefully all that is about to change, or at least today it did. Did I mention that the stomach ache is God's gift to man? seriously...i don't wanna go all Odysseus and jinx myself here (yes, it's happened) but you just go in, look sad, say you have a stomach ache, go to sleep for as long as you want, then wake up and Bam! It's Juicy's Day Off! Not that I did anything nearly as cool as Bueller, but walking around the cafeteria in your PJs while all your friends still have to go to class has its perks...not to mention the getting caught up with everything and not stressing out while listening to mediocre radio all day. It seems too good to be true...That, and the fact that just one slim doorway stands between me and freedom at 3am on a saturday. Well, more like a slim doorway and my friend's "Juicy-really-now-I-care-about-you-and-dont-want-you-to-get-kicked-out-of-school-and-not-get-into-college-and-make-the-stupidest-mistake-of-your-life" eyes. Who came up with this whole 'real freinds' idea again?

so yeah that's pretty much my pathetic life in a nutshell. Funny word, pathetic. It means weak, or in some other way generally unworthy, But i can't help but recognize the greek root "pathos" which I'm almost sure means "feelings." Perhaps the Nazis and myself weren't the first? just a thought...Another great word that comes to mind is "whorish," for example, "my fantastically whorish shoes that I love to death even though my heels still hurt." psh...objectifying women in the media...seriously...that presentation was smart and funny but can you grab me a drink? thanks. Though if she did have a point about one thing, guys in this country are spoiled. Just turn on the TV and watch a few adds, at least half of them will contain a nude or partially clad woman with long hair and perfect skin. No wonder the East hates us...

Roadtrip Plan B (AKA "The Pina Colada Song")

I brought up the whole summer roadtrip with my Dad, and as can be expected he wasn't too gung-ho about it, but he didn't completely disqualify it either. But what he did do was pretty damn cool. Im not sure if he realized what he was getting himself into at the time, but as my graduation present he offered to fly us all (he has like 5 million FF miles) down to St. Croix and pay for basic necessities.
Now I know the Zs aren't crazy about the beach, but THINK about this...St. Croix is a small tropical island in the USVI. We own a condoe on the beach that also has a swimming pool and a snack shack. There are two bedrooms and a couch, so if we really squish we could fit six people. While we are down there we could go to the beach, snorkel/scuba dive, play ping pong, take boat trips to buck island (the kind of deserted island you see in TV commercials), shop around in town duty free, maybe hit some casinos/clubs and probably find a ton of other fun random things to do. (plus i have this amusing image in my head of bagel trying to make friends with a drugged out rasta, vertical trying to shimmy up a palm tree, and josh on the beach with three girls looking like even more of a pimp) Oh, and did i mention the drinking age is 18 and practically a joke? it would be like friggen spring break. Not to mention I've been going to the island since i was a baby so I'm pretty famialir with it and all the parents might feel better about this than a random roadtrip. I'm still all for the roadtrip, but if it doesn't work out you must admit an unsupervised tropical vacation is a pretty damned good back up option...comments?

Hello, Juicy, You Have 1 New Message...

So i've been wasting a lot of time online this break, which means i've essentially been wasting a lot of time on facebook finding old friends and relations to add to my ever-expanding blackhole of a friends page. But when you start friending people like your friend's friend who you hung out with a lot in elementary school, you need to ask yourself, is this really good for society? yeah it's cool to see that they still exist, and maybe add 'em to your friends list for the hell of it, but we know that the awkward wall or message conversation really cannot last or develop into anything. Why add that pressure?(then again, I thought I wouldn't still be talking to half of my old friends and I am, so I guess I'm not the best judge when it comes to longevity and quality. Infact, I just remembered that I once randomly remet someone and it actually lasted awhile was probably the closest thing ive ever had to a relationship...oops)

ANYWAY my point was that even though there are some people who are fun to reconnect with, there are other people that need to just be left in the past, and people don't always see eye-to-eye on this. As great as facebook is for the reconnecting bit, it makes things sort of awkward when you get poked by someone you're really not to keen to talk to again (even if it is just cuz, as i recently realized, im a bitch.) And plus I honestly don't think it leaves a lot of room for personal growth if you're always forced into awkward conversations with people from your past whom you never knew that well anyway. Then again, I guess just not returning a FB message is nothing to get pissy about...yeah that was pointless, here's a quiz-

Juicy is poked by a friend/person-that-asked-her-out-and-failed that she knows from 3 years ago but has since blocked. she follws decorum and returns the poke, also enabling her to view his profile. Should she
a. friend him out of curiosity/boredom
b. friend him out of curiosity/boredom and say hi because she now feels bad for treating him like shit
c. tell her mom to buy more snackfoods
d. do nothing

(for the record, she cant see personal info and the picture is nothing fab. if she ever saw this person in real life, she would probably hide)

mmm...Nexusy

Once upon a time, there was a litte Nexus of Fate. The Nexus was studying hard so she could get into college, but realized she was essentially screwed for an upcoming test. She was pretty desperate, so completely on a whim she asked someone else for help, and was quickly presented with her next celestial assignment. Upon talking to this new found acquaintance, she learned that he had spent a large quantity of time pining over someone that was probably not very good for him. Perhaps the Nexus was feeling guilty for having treated some other guys like this, or perhaps she just recognized someone that needed a little help, but she was determined to help this person out.
It would be a lie to say that the Nexus had not devised a more selfish method of doing that, and she must confess this made her very happy, but a Nexus knows when the fates are at work. (She also knows when to tip off a slightly-too-oblivoius friend about her own feelings, and when to tell someone that if they don't go for it they're an idiot.)
In the past two weeks, the Nexus was not able to help noticing all the good things that were happenning to all of her other friends aswell. (Can she get an 'i told ya so!') The only annoying thing about being a Nexus of Fate is that there really isn't a Nexus-of-Fate dating service for highschoolers, but a Nexus learns to accept her existance as a singular entity. She asks only to be able to third-wheel every now and then, and gets much joy from seeing all of her friends so happy from her help. The priority decision deadline for Harvard is tomorrow, and Brown is january 1st. Maybe if her friends have had a little aid from the Fates, the Nexus could get her share too. And then maybe, if she's really lucky, she'll meet another Nexus of Fate to be, well, Nexusy with...

Let's Talk About Feelings!

Mmm...feelings. well, actually no. what I want to talk about is the futility of them. Here is just how peachy life is at the moment:

Ok so originally I was gonna write out all the shit that's going on with people at the moment in the anonymous third person, but y'all know who you are and if you want my juicy advice you can have it. I'm bound to give something away that I shouldn't and I don't want to piss people off. The overall point was that everyone sees things differently. One comment from someone can be interpreted or ignored ten different ways from ten different people. Everyone seems to have a different idea of what's going on even between those very close to them. It'd be nice to think that just by spilling everything and clarifying it for everybody I could make life easier, but I can't do that. In fact, even the people directly invovled don't always know what they want, and I'm starting to think it's near impossible, or at least extremely rare, to find two people with slightly more than friendly feelings for each other who are invovled in a perfectly balanced relationship. (then again, maybe i'm just hanging around my kooky highschool friends too much)

So yeah that's pretty much my rant for the day. Hopefully I can translate some of this brilliant cynicism into my college supplements, but probably not.

Life

Yesterday and today have been two of those days that seem so typical it's abnormal. What did i do? I was productive. that essentially sums it up. I did work, I practiced a song with a group, i organized stuff for the art club, i did class ring stuff, all of which i enjoy and get to write on my college app. (except the ring thing, thats just cuz im cool) I saw my friends a bit, i slept a bit, i played hockey. There's no drama, no big gossip, things are just, well, peaceful. I have no complaints except sore muscles/stomach and the inverse proportion of sleep and work. In other words, it's pretty wierd. maybe im just a masochist who needs something to bitch about, or maybe i finally got my life together, but it feels weird not having anything major on my mind. Today i was sitting in class and i remembered my first year at this highschool. I thought about how different everything has become since then, and how i never would have expected this in a million years. For the first time in awhile i guess, things balanced out. full circle. they did it just in time too, because then i was flipping through my agenda pad, opened up to april, and realized that by then i will know where i am going to college. freaky, huh?

on a similar note, Not to get too emo on you all, but as busy as ive been these past few days I feel a sortof internal bordom setting in. (or maybe im just in a wierd mood from working alot/sleep deprived) So if you ever want to do something spontaneous like go climb a mountain or take a roadtrip to nowhere and get lost (i still think thats a great idea...) let me in on it before i become another mindless zombie in a productive society that has no real direction. it has speed, but not velocity...snap!!

...yeah on that pathetic note ill return to british parliament....im getting sorta sick of this whole school thing and i can't beleive its another four more years, but what else can i do? hopefully college will rock, but thats another story. till then, i have disco....

Turkey Day...Oh, and you might want to read this for future notice...

So it was Thanksgiving yesterday and I feel that yields a blogpost even though there really isn't much to say. I lovvvvved the food, and it was fun actually helping with the cooking this year and taking responsibility of the stuffing, even though my dad will probably not let me within ten feet of any alcholic beverage ever again. (not that i was actually drinking or anything, its just that the general excitement of the holiday made me a bit tizzy and then knocked me out on the couch for two hours)

On a similar note, I finally decided where I am going to apply to college, I'd tell you where, but we had this presentation that freaked me out and I don't wanna be denied school number 2 just because they read this and realize they're not school number 1 even though I totally could have changed my mind.

Ok, what the fuck is wrong here. This is my blog and it's getting way too PC. I cannot feel that I can fully express myself if I think there is an admissions reader constantly searching the net for this stuff and dying for any excuse to not read the huge stack of papers in my file infront of him. I am aware that whatever
I publish is technically open for all to see, but by choosing the username I did and by refusing to give out the information I did not release, it is clear that my identity is to be kept anonymous to all readers whom I am not already familiar with. In short- this is bullshit. If i gave you all my full name and address then fine, i guess i was asking for it, but if any admissions officer is going to get all sneaky on me and start hunting for incriminating evidence in supposedly anonymous blog posts, then that makes me really upset. I worked really hard on those apps for a reason, and i don't think they should be counteracted by something as casual as a blog. And how would you like it if i went hunting for all your dirty secrets on the internet? This pissses me off, People have a right to privacy, especially when it is as specifically implied as it is here. This actually makes me want to become and ACLU lawyer even more (Because if you don't trust me already, admissions officer, I wasn't lying about that)

In fact, I think i'll give myself some practice:

By reading this blog and absorbing its contents, you ,the reader, have agreed to not share any of the found information in a way that could be slanderous or in any other way harmful or discrediting to the author or those associated with her.

Ha! Take that bitches!!!