Ever since I stopped taking English classes, it seems that my unused analytical abilities have decided to seep into other areas of my life. As a result, on any given night the margins of my homework assignments are scrawled with the odd poetic observation or life metaphor. A few nights ago, for example, I thought that spilling my coffee over my agenda pad (which caused all the ink to run) could be considered a metaphor for my work ethic junior year (so consumed with caffeine that I was unable to actually function) or any general break down- when what's keeping you going is preventing you from actually "going" anywhere. When I went to use Wite Out in my lab notebook, I thought about how Wite Out related to perfection- when applied it is even more perfectlty white (and incredibly hypnotizing...Wite Out nails anyone?) than the paper it is covering. The fact that it is too good (or in this case, too white) to be true only brings more attention to the fact that it is a phony covering for a blaring error.
More recently, I desperatly needed a study break but had already exhausted all that facebook and the blogosphere had to offer. It was then I decided to revisit an old friend. Yes folks, for the first time in ages, I played TextTwist.
Once I got over the immidiate rush of senior year nostalgia, I let my mind enter the franticly paced yet, in many ways quite monotonous mode required to play this game successfully. (for those of you not in the loop- TextTwist is an online game inwhich you are given a scrambled six letter word and given 2 minutes to rearrange it into every possible other word you can think of, but none shorter than 3 letters) Obviously I was incredibly rusty, but one thing hadn't changed: I almost always got the six letter word first. When it comes to figuring out the dozens of little three letter word combinations I'm hopeless, but I've never had a problem getting the six letter word almost instantaneously. It was then that I realized that the way I play TextTwist actually relates quite well to the way I play life- rarely concerned with details, I look at the bigger picture. I may cause myself a lot of small setbacks, but I never really fret too much, because I know I always get where I need to be in the end. (Though that attitude mixed with the freedom of college academics is probably not the best way to go about things, in case you were wondering. Perhaps I am a little too laid back?)
I don't really have a larger frame inwhich to analyze this (unless I factor in the Nexusyness of getting an out of the blue phone call from the person who introduced me to the game a few days later) or anything further to derive (though I'm sure it exists) But I guess I have learned one other thing: stop illegibly scribbling on your margins and buy a friggen note book.
Sunday, November 18, 2007
Wednesday, November 14, 2007
Crazy Bitch
So today I don't really have any blog worthy thoughts, but I do have the most fantastic story I have heard in ages, made even more fantastic by the fact that it proves that fantastic things like this actually happen:
So my friend was hanging out at her boyfriend's house when all of a sudden, a horrible blizzard struck up, and her parents forbade her to drive home. When they tried to come and get her, the snow was so bad they couldn't even get out of the driveway. Her boyfriends parents were also unable to get home, and the two ended up being left alone in his house...for three days.
Two words: eighteen times.
Don't tell me you've never thought about that....
So my friend was hanging out at her boyfriend's house when all of a sudden, a horrible blizzard struck up, and her parents forbade her to drive home. When they tried to come and get her, the snow was so bad they couldn't even get out of the driveway. Her boyfriends parents were also unable to get home, and the two ended up being left alone in his house...for three days.
Two words: eighteen times.
Don't tell me you've never thought about that....
Monday, November 12, 2007
CERN, You Broke My Heart
So despite my recent infatuation with the physical sciences, my own laziness and the dreaded phrases "this material is not in the book" and "will be on the exam" have turned a once steamy, somewhat secretive affair into outright domestic abuse. And as if that weren't reason enough to give up on this whole relationship all together (in addition to familial disapproval for such unorthodox behavior), I'm starting to wonder what drew me to Organic Chemistry in the first place. That is, I started to wonder, once I met Elementary Particle Physics...
I used to think that Chem could satisfy my needs- lord knows we bother enough with positive and negative psi charges (Psi= greek letter denoting the wave function of an electron) to throw me for a spin (haha...God that was lame. No wonder Chem is hating on me) and I thought that Quantum Chemistry would be enough- all the concepts, no math. But then I got curious. Too curious. I was just browsing the science library, that's all, it's not my fault I did some searching and HAPPENNED upon Quarks and Gluons: A Century Of Elementary Particle Physics. It's not my fault that it was so light to carry and to the point and plainly written, making it what I read in my free time. It's not my fault I want to start taking notes. And then there was the fantasy. You know, they say they're perfectly harmless and healthy, everyone has them. Mine was no different: Me, my JYA, parlaying the Francais in Sweeden at CERN. Nothing wrong with that...
That is, until my poor little heart strings were crushed: "positions open to undergraduates having completed at least 3 years of study with a concentration in Engineering, Physics, or Computer Science." Is this it? Has it really come to this? Will Quantum Chemistry, even though it did give me such joy, still really be able to sate my urges with its orbitals and wave functions, while I know that within the nucleus a dozen other types of unheardof infintesimal particles bounce around at the will of forces that we still just barely understand? In Short: Should I go all out and spend 2 precious years attempting to reconquor my fear (and hatred) of intro Physics, or should I just quit this whole thing while I'm ahead? I could deal with two lovers easily enough...but three? I'm not that good.
I used to think that Chem could satisfy my needs- lord knows we bother enough with positive and negative psi charges (Psi= greek letter denoting the wave function of an electron) to throw me for a spin (haha...God that was lame. No wonder Chem is hating on me) and I thought that Quantum Chemistry would be enough- all the concepts, no math. But then I got curious. Too curious. I was just browsing the science library, that's all, it's not my fault I did some searching and HAPPENNED upon Quarks and Gluons: A Century Of Elementary Particle Physics. It's not my fault that it was so light to carry and to the point and plainly written, making it what I read in my free time. It's not my fault I want to start taking notes. And then there was the fantasy. You know, they say they're perfectly harmless and healthy, everyone has them. Mine was no different: Me, my JYA, parlaying the Francais in Sweeden at CERN. Nothing wrong with that...
That is, until my poor little heart strings were crushed: "positions open to undergraduates having completed at least 3 years of study with a concentration in Engineering, Physics, or Computer Science." Is this it? Has it really come to this? Will Quantum Chemistry, even though it did give me such joy, still really be able to sate my urges with its orbitals and wave functions, while I know that within the nucleus a dozen other types of unheardof infintesimal particles bounce around at the will of forces that we still just barely understand? In Short: Should I go all out and spend 2 precious years attempting to reconquor my fear (and hatred) of intro Physics, or should I just quit this whole thing while I'm ahead? I could deal with two lovers easily enough...but three? I'm not that good.
Wednesday, November 07, 2007
What's My Age Again?
In two days, I'm gonna be 18. But when this oncoming milestone first hit me at the start of the week, I was surprised to find that in lieu of being excited, I actually felt a definite sense of regret.
You see, it is a commonly held to be true that at 18 your criminal record is swiped, because you are now a responsible adult who has learned better and no longer liable for your foolish actions as a child. Like it says in this fabulous piece of wisdom (which I actually gleaned from my math text book, of all places) "In Sequences (as often in life) a few indiscretions early on can be overlooked when dealing with the sequence as a whole" But what did I do with my get out of jail free time?* Nothing. Now it hasn't been a total shit show- there was the quasi food fight in 7th grade, the poem/fight the man incident, trying to find every possible dresscode loophole in the book, and probably a few other things I'm forgetting. But seriously, there I was with 18 perfectly good years (I've been well aware of this and intent on using it for as long as I can remember) to do something awesome and not have to deal with the legal implications, and what did I really accomplish? Zilch.
Normally I wouldn't even care about getting arrested for a minor infraction (If it didn't make my parents look bad) but these days with people able to access your math grades in 3rd grade with the click of a mouse you can never be too careful, even if some things are meant to be swiped after a few years. I also doubt everyone else on the ACLU team has a clean record (Cuz seriously, it's the ACLU) but this is my career we're talking about here, plus getting kicked out of college would blow.
So here I am. Two days left of "But I'm young and stupid!" (at least in the eyes of the law and my parents) and I'm thinking: Hmm...If you get arrested so close to/on your 18th birthday, does it still count?
Clearly I'm ready for adulthood.
*I would also like to inform you that there is actually an association of policman that distribute real "get out of jail free cards" for minor infractions and you can get one if you know a cop very well. Who knew?
You see, it is a commonly held to be true that at 18 your criminal record is swiped, because you are now a responsible adult who has learned better and no longer liable for your foolish actions as a child. Like it says in this fabulous piece of wisdom (which I actually gleaned from my math text book, of all places) "In Sequences (as often in life) a few indiscretions early on can be overlooked when dealing with the sequence as a whole" But what did I do with my get out of jail free time?* Nothing. Now it hasn't been a total shit show- there was the quasi food fight in 7th grade, the poem/fight the man incident, trying to find every possible dresscode loophole in the book, and probably a few other things I'm forgetting. But seriously, there I was with 18 perfectly good years (I've been well aware of this and intent on using it for as long as I can remember) to do something awesome and not have to deal with the legal implications, and what did I really accomplish? Zilch.
Normally I wouldn't even care about getting arrested for a minor infraction (If it didn't make my parents look bad) but these days with people able to access your math grades in 3rd grade with the click of a mouse you can never be too careful, even if some things are meant to be swiped after a few years. I also doubt everyone else on the ACLU team has a clean record (Cuz seriously, it's the ACLU) but this is my career we're talking about here, plus getting kicked out of college would blow.
So here I am. Two days left of "But I'm young and stupid!" (at least in the eyes of the law and my parents) and I'm thinking: Hmm...If you get arrested so close to/on your 18th birthday, does it still count?
Clearly I'm ready for adulthood.
*I would also like to inform you that there is actually an association of policman that distribute real "get out of jail free cards" for minor infractions and you can get one if you know a cop very well. Who knew?
Tuesday, November 06, 2007
Pwning the Cyclops
One life-changing day in Juicy's sophomore year of highschool, she realized that she could arrive a little late to class and hand in a better quality paper than had she arrived on time. She figured this was at no cost to her except for a lateness report that would probably never come back to haunt her on her report card. This worked well, until Juicy's professor was grading her, remembered the day she showed up to class 15 minutes late, and knocked what should have been a perfect 100 to a 99. "The Man" (via my advisor) spent the rest of highschool trying to knock this attiude out of me. They tried to teach me that teachers actually took it offensivley when I was late to class (even for just five minutes, really that is such bull...) and that I could not live my life leaving things off to the last minute.
They clearly failed.
If bragging about my genius discovery sophomore year cost me my perfect score, then I have a few words for Neptune in hopes of giving me a much needed kick in the ass:
It seems everytime I think I've really dug myself into an academic hole in college, things turn out just fine. As time progresses, the scare tactics wear off, and I don't see any bad results. Now, for example, I haven't gone to monday classes for at least a month, but I have never gotten better grades. That paper I thought was BS that I wrote at 5am? A-. The Astro HW I didn't do the reading for? even better. Math? same. Honestly, the last time I did this well academically was middle school. Eventually, limits get pushed and it becomes easier and easier to get by on doing even less. Whereas in highschool the system probably would have found some way to guilt me into working for them, college has no such process. I nolonger "feel bad" about any of this, so long as it doesn't hurt my grade. (Though it was a little embarassing when my gov professor emailed me to ask me where I'd been all week, and I didn't really have a quality answer.And she might factor in attendance after all. Note to self- go to class) I know that this is supposed to be where finals come in, and that anyone else in college would tell me that I am clearly disillusioning myself, and soon will be confronted with a test worth half my grade that I did little-to-no reading for and have learned my lesson to late. But here's the catch: The final in the class I have done minimal reading for and skipped several times is take home. This means I have a day or two to do the test while using my books, notes, and possibly the internet, just solong as I don't ask anyone else about it. Same for the math midterm I have coming up. Seriously, how am I supposed to know when to buckle down and learn stuff when, for at least half of my major exams, I don't really have to?!?
And then there was today. Today I watched Sex and the City for three hours. THREE HOURS in the middle of the week. Since when is this possible? Where's my frantic rush to get stuff done? Where's the energy-drink-inspired sense of an impending heart attack at any moment? This cannot be right. I know that it has been postulated that everything in the universe tends towards entropy (and by that I mean the opposite of energy) but I am starting to scare myself. I could have read for pleasure, I could have filled out a variety of forms I need to get done at some point, I could have cashed a check or done laundry, I could have done multiple things I enjoy doing that are productive and even non-academic. But no- I just sat there for THREE HOURS. Shame. What will I ever amount to in life if, when I do have free time, I don't do anything with it?
Oh- and as I promised, I must shout out my roomie who has apparently decided to stalk me and read every post since August. My first impression when I heard that was to ask "where do you find that kind of time?" but then I remembered, we're in college.
They clearly failed.
If bragging about my genius discovery sophomore year cost me my perfect score, then I have a few words for Neptune in hopes of giving me a much needed kick in the ass:
It seems everytime I think I've really dug myself into an academic hole in college, things turn out just fine. As time progresses, the scare tactics wear off, and I don't see any bad results. Now, for example, I haven't gone to monday classes for at least a month, but I have never gotten better grades. That paper I thought was BS that I wrote at 5am? A-. The Astro HW I didn't do the reading for? even better. Math? same. Honestly, the last time I did this well academically was middle school. Eventually, limits get pushed and it becomes easier and easier to get by on doing even less. Whereas in highschool the system probably would have found some way to guilt me into working for them, college has no such process. I nolonger "feel bad" about any of this, so long as it doesn't hurt my grade. (Though it was a little embarassing when my gov professor emailed me to ask me where I'd been all week, and I didn't really have a quality answer.And she might factor in attendance after all. Note to self- go to class) I know that this is supposed to be where finals come in, and that anyone else in college would tell me that I am clearly disillusioning myself, and soon will be confronted with a test worth half my grade that I did little-to-no reading for and have learned my lesson to late. But here's the catch: The final in the class I have done minimal reading for and skipped several times is take home. This means I have a day or two to do the test while using my books, notes, and possibly the internet, just solong as I don't ask anyone else about it. Same for the math midterm I have coming up. Seriously, how am I supposed to know when to buckle down and learn stuff when, for at least half of my major exams, I don't really have to?!?
And then there was today. Today I watched Sex and the City for three hours. THREE HOURS in the middle of the week. Since when is this possible? Where's my frantic rush to get stuff done? Where's the energy-drink-inspired sense of an impending heart attack at any moment? This cannot be right. I know that it has been postulated that everything in the universe tends towards entropy (and by that I mean the opposite of energy) but I am starting to scare myself. I could have read for pleasure, I could have filled out a variety of forms I need to get done at some point, I could have cashed a check or done laundry, I could have done multiple things I enjoy doing that are productive and even non-academic. But no- I just sat there for THREE HOURS. Shame. What will I ever amount to in life if, when I do have free time, I don't do anything with it?
Oh- and as I promised, I must shout out my roomie who has apparently decided to stalk me and read every post since August. My first impression when I heard that was to ask "where do you find that kind of time?" but then I remembered, we're in college.
Monday, October 29, 2007
She's Super Freaky!
There are actually quite a few blog worthy thoughts on my mind this week (though expect a lull perhaps, my lap top crapped out on me) but here is the most immidiate, and come to think of it, has an almost Halloween-esque feel:
It has long been established that I am a Nexus of Fate (perhaps you think the joke's old, but seriously, this stuff keeps coming up) which means that the fates work through me to have thier bidding done. This is not always to my benefit, nor are my "nexus powers" really something I can control, but it does mean that my life is chock full of very specfic coincidences, the odd premonition (realized in hindsight of course- so no, I am not really telepathic), and most notably, a wierd connectedness among many things that happen to me. (yeah, I know, it's probably pure psychology, but just flow with me here...) The one example of this that continues to astound me more than others is the Fortune Cookie Application on facebook. Seriously, everytime I use it (save maybe once or twice) it manages to pull out something directly relevant to what ever is on my mind at the time. Hopefully this blog entry will not jinx such a useful Nexus tool, but here is every reading it's ever given me (this strange phenomenon actually promoted me to track its progress) and how it directly related to my life. Really, it's freaky.
(start at the bottom, the start of summer)
"Much of the world is shallow. Roll with it"- Juicy is currently feeling both judged, and extra judgemental for a variety of reasons
"Your friend needs you."- Juicy debates cutting off a friend in need due to excessive clingyness and feelings issues
"Good timing will be critical for you next week"- this was the first day of the week Juicy had 3 major things due, and ended up staying up till 5 to finish a paper
"Don't live with the brakes on"- nothing unless you really stretch it, and even then it was bad advice
"your life will be happy and peaceful"- juicy worries about college
"it is better to look good than feel good''- juicy thinks she needs to lose weight, and is feeling a little down, but is glad to have nice new college clothes
"your money worries are over!"- Juicy ran into another girl who was obsessed with getting ahead in the world financially and seemed to be perpetualy planning ahead (just like juicy's dad wants her to do). despite this pressure from dad, Juicy tries to remain in the moment and not too focused on carreer oriented decision making.
"a warm smile is charicteristic of a generous nature"- Juicy seeks out friends in college
"It doesn't matter. Who is without a flaw?"- can't remember, possibly another TP thing...
"make that overseas journey"- Juicy debates nagging her parents about going to Canada/Korea, or staying home.
"you will find a new love"- again, can't remember, either TheKaitzer or the kid I met at the party
"Don't be afraid to share power"-Juicy argues with her dad over control of her life
"use your knowledge to achieve immortality"- can't remember at all, was only minimally relevant
"you will recieve an important invitation"- either a week before the party or some other thing I went to over the summer, can't remember exactly, probably the former
"never be too busy to meet someone new"- TheKaitzer is fully considered
"a new outfit will brighten your day"- Juicy was thinking "i should get nicer clothes"
"call an old friend"- Juicy starts to talk to TP kid again, and also got in contact with someone else from her past minimally, can't remember who...
"Indecision can kill a deal"- forget, but it was relevant
"Keep your mouth shut"- trust me, this was good, relevant advice
It has long been established that I am a Nexus of Fate (perhaps you think the joke's old, but seriously, this stuff keeps coming up) which means that the fates work through me to have thier bidding done. This is not always to my benefit, nor are my "nexus powers" really something I can control, but it does mean that my life is chock full of very specfic coincidences, the odd premonition (realized in hindsight of course- so no, I am not really telepathic), and most notably, a wierd connectedness among many things that happen to me. (yeah, I know, it's probably pure psychology, but just flow with me here...) The one example of this that continues to astound me more than others is the Fortune Cookie Application on facebook. Seriously, everytime I use it (save maybe once or twice) it manages to pull out something directly relevant to what ever is on my mind at the time. Hopefully this blog entry will not jinx such a useful Nexus tool, but here is every reading it's ever given me (this strange phenomenon actually promoted me to track its progress) and how it directly related to my life. Really, it's freaky.
(start at the bottom, the start of summer)
"Much of the world is shallow. Roll with it"- Juicy is currently feeling both judged, and extra judgemental for a variety of reasons
"Your friend needs you."- Juicy debates cutting off a friend in need due to excessive clingyness and feelings issues
"Good timing will be critical for you next week"- this was the first day of the week Juicy had 3 major things due, and ended up staying up till 5 to finish a paper
"Don't live with the brakes on"- nothing unless you really stretch it, and even then it was bad advice
"your life will be happy and peaceful"- juicy worries about college
"it is better to look good than feel good''- juicy thinks she needs to lose weight, and is feeling a little down, but is glad to have nice new college clothes
"your money worries are over!"- Juicy ran into another girl who was obsessed with getting ahead in the world financially and seemed to be perpetualy planning ahead (just like juicy's dad wants her to do). despite this pressure from dad, Juicy tries to remain in the moment and not too focused on carreer oriented decision making.
"a warm smile is charicteristic of a generous nature"- Juicy seeks out friends in college
"It doesn't matter. Who is without a flaw?"- can't remember, possibly another TP thing...
"make that overseas journey"- Juicy debates nagging her parents about going to Canada/Korea, or staying home.
"you will find a new love"- again, can't remember, either TheKaitzer or the kid I met at the party
"Don't be afraid to share power"-Juicy argues with her dad over control of her life
"use your knowledge to achieve immortality"- can't remember at all, was only minimally relevant
"you will recieve an important invitation"- either a week before the party or some other thing I went to over the summer, can't remember exactly, probably the former
"never be too busy to meet someone new"- TheKaitzer is fully considered
"a new outfit will brighten your day"- Juicy was thinking "i should get nicer clothes"
"call an old friend"- Juicy starts to talk to TP kid again, and also got in contact with someone else from her past minimally, can't remember who...
"Indecision can kill a deal"- forget, but it was relevant
"Keep your mouth shut"- trust me, this was good, relevant advice
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Cutting It Close
Just incase y'all were starting to think that college was actually helping me improve at life...
Thursday Evening
5pm- Juicy goes to extra credit chem lecture, and runs into professor.
Juicy: Oh, and our take home quiz is due monday, right?
Prof: No, it's due tomorrow
Juicy: Oh...wow....that was fortuitous....
12:30 am- Juicy actually starts take home quiz (blame this massive procrastination on canoes, full on nudity, school-sponsored mud wrestling, the Red Sox, and a spontaneous conversation that lasted over 2 hours)
1 am-friend calls, Juicy is distracted
2 am- Juicy decides she is too tired too work, and will do this tomorrow morning
Friday Morning:
6:30 am - Juicy's alarm goes off
6:40 am- Juicy's absent roomate's alarm BLARES, forcing her to really wake up, get out of bed, and shut it off.
7 am- Juicy still somehow manages to fall back asleep
7:15 am- the time Juicy told herself she would originally start working
8:15 am- the time juicy actually started working
9 am- the time her class starts.
10:10 am- juicy BSs the last section enough to make it look like she finished the quiz.
10:11 am- Juicy thinks "hmm...it's a good thing I started going to the gym again yesterday" as she, in a great feat of athleticism, SPRINTS down the street to class, covering a 20 minute walk in under ten minutes. (all the while still wearing bright pink pajama pants, a sweatshirt, and the quickest shoes she could find: cutsie brown flats)
10:20 am-(the end of class) Juicy comes to class, turns in her quiz with another clump of students up there, and leaves.
Happy weekend everybody.
Thursday Evening
5pm- Juicy goes to extra credit chem lecture, and runs into professor.
Juicy: Oh, and our take home quiz is due monday, right?
Prof: No, it's due tomorrow
Juicy: Oh...wow....that was fortuitous....
12:30 am- Juicy actually starts take home quiz (blame this massive procrastination on canoes, full on nudity, school-sponsored mud wrestling, the Red Sox, and a spontaneous conversation that lasted over 2 hours)
1 am-friend calls, Juicy is distracted
2 am- Juicy decides she is too tired too work, and will do this tomorrow morning
Friday Morning:
6:30 am - Juicy's alarm goes off
6:40 am- Juicy's absent roomate's alarm BLARES, forcing her to really wake up, get out of bed, and shut it off.
7 am- Juicy still somehow manages to fall back asleep
7:15 am- the time Juicy told herself she would originally start working
8:15 am- the time juicy actually started working
9 am- the time her class starts.
10:10 am- juicy BSs the last section enough to make it look like she finished the quiz.
10:11 am- Juicy thinks "hmm...it's a good thing I started going to the gym again yesterday" as she, in a great feat of athleticism, SPRINTS down the street to class, covering a 20 minute walk in under ten minutes. (all the while still wearing bright pink pajama pants, a sweatshirt, and the quickest shoes she could find: cutsie brown flats)
10:20 am-(the end of class) Juicy comes to class, turns in her quiz with another clump of students up there, and leaves.
Happy weekend everybody.
Wednesday, October 17, 2007
I feel Stupid and Contagious...
There's something about wearing a Tool T-shirt, even if it does rarely leave the back of my drawer, that always brings me back to my middle school, pseudo-badass roots. And that wasn't all that reminded me today either; oddly enough, it's been a collection of things recently. Today one of my friends was hosting a prospective student, and they jokingly cut me off when I started to talk about all the classes I'd skipped. Seeing OSK's new profile picture proudly sporting a red and black graffitti A (which, by the way, is the symbol for Anarchism, for all of you who did not have the enlightening middle school experience that I did) reminded me of the days when I was just begginning to embrace the full ideology of moral relativism. Even the song playing on my laptop as I went to blog was oddly relevant.
I Used to think that I was only a pseudo-badass, but I'm starting to wonder about that. True, badassism is in the eye of the beholder, and my hallmate was probably being excessivly patronizing when she referred to me as "Oh, Juicy, you rebel you..." (because really, how bad ass can you be for blatanly disobeying a teacher on a daily basis in elementary school for snacking) But then I realized- maybe I'm more of a badass than I thought. Of all my highschool friends, I'm probably the most likely to skip a commitment (then again sleeping because I was up all night working might counteract the badass effect), engage in illegal activities/mischief, convince others to engage in illegal activities/mischief, generally have a very minimal amount of respect for authority, and moreover, not feel particularly bad about any of the consequences of my actions. Plus, I did get Ad Hoc'd (albeit under VERY unusual circumstances, again, counteracting the badass effect). Before I was never too hasty to refer to myself as a badass because I knew both that there were many far more respectably disrespectable than me, and because I am capable of being a very considerate person. But perhaps I am a little more of a badass than I thought in the sense that It's not that I lack rules to live by, I just live by my own rules.
It seems that whenever major change rolls around in my life, or I am faced with having to find a new identity for myself relative to those around me, I tend to cling to these badass roots- regardless of how legitimate they actually were. As I have found myself with increasing collegiate freedom, I find myself thinking "What would the 9th grade Juicy have done?" and "When you graduate, Will you have made yourself from from 4 years ago proud?" The reason I have for not doing a lot of things is because of the possibility that my future self will regret it, but we haven't met her yet, now have we? And who is to say that my future self is any more or less legitimate a guide in life than my former self?
While at the end of the day this resolution may end up being no different than a 30 year old buying a Harley, perhaps it might also help me never get to that point in the first place. I know that one day I will have to face the fact that I am nolonger in middleschool/highschool/college (though I can still hope that grad school and early adulthood is secretly the biggest party of them all) and confess that I have infact "matured" at least a little. (*shudder*) But until then, it's not like I'm gaining any time. It's time to put a new spin on carpe diem, bitches.
Now, about scheduling that haircut....
I Used to think that I was only a pseudo-badass, but I'm starting to wonder about that. True, badassism is in the eye of the beholder, and my hallmate was probably being excessivly patronizing when she referred to me as "Oh, Juicy, you rebel you..." (because really, how bad ass can you be for blatanly disobeying a teacher on a daily basis in elementary school for snacking) But then I realized- maybe I'm more of a badass than I thought. Of all my highschool friends, I'm probably the most likely to skip a commitment (then again sleeping because I was up all night working might counteract the badass effect), engage in illegal activities/mischief, convince others to engage in illegal activities/mischief, generally have a very minimal amount of respect for authority, and moreover, not feel particularly bad about any of the consequences of my actions. Plus, I did get Ad Hoc'd (albeit under VERY unusual circumstances, again, counteracting the badass effect). Before I was never too hasty to refer to myself as a badass because I knew both that there were many far more respectably disrespectable than me, and because I am capable of being a very considerate person. But perhaps I am a little more of a badass than I thought in the sense that It's not that I lack rules to live by, I just live by my own rules.
It seems that whenever major change rolls around in my life, or I am faced with having to find a new identity for myself relative to those around me, I tend to cling to these badass roots- regardless of how legitimate they actually were. As I have found myself with increasing collegiate freedom, I find myself thinking "What would the 9th grade Juicy have done?" and "When you graduate, Will you have made yourself from from 4 years ago proud?" The reason I have for not doing a lot of things is because of the possibility that my future self will regret it, but we haven't met her yet, now have we? And who is to say that my future self is any more or less legitimate a guide in life than my former self?
While at the end of the day this resolution may end up being no different than a 30 year old buying a Harley, perhaps it might also help me never get to that point in the first place. I know that one day I will have to face the fact that I am nolonger in middleschool/highschool/college (though I can still hope that grad school and early adulthood is secretly the biggest party of them all) and confess that I have infact "matured" at least a little. (*shudder*) But until then, it's not like I'm gaining any time. It's time to put a new spin on carpe diem, bitches.
Now, about scheduling that haircut....
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Let's Talk About Sex, Baby!
Last night, I saw a movie called "Secretary." In this film, a girl is recently released from an institution (where she was placed because she loves to inflict pain on herself) into the real world, and starts cutting again once she has to return to all of her same old family problems. In search of something to do, she gets a job as a secretary for a local lawyer. She stops cutting, only to replace the act with being his sexual submissive. (getting off from doing everything exactly as he tells her, then making mistakes on purpose so he can spank her, etc.) Just when I thought the film couldn't get any more bizarre, this kinky relationship comes to a halt because the lawyer realizes he is actually falling in love with her, and v.v. At the end of the film (WARNING SPOILER) the submissive secretary proves her to love to him up to a point where he cannot just ignore her (it was sorta gross...)and so finally he acknowledges that he loves her, they have a really hot sex scene, then get married. (If you were wondering, this film is rated R, has a shitload of nudity and I've never seen more scenes of a chick jerking off....anyway...) The main point of the ending narration was something about how they both understood each others' love for acknowledging the pain in life, and understanding how the other one enjoyed being loved.
As my friend was crooning over their adorable loving relationship and how incredibly cute it was, I found myself thinking "What the fuck? How could a movie that spends half of its time acting as porn- S&M porn at that- actually have led to a sweet and romantic ending?" (Another line also stood out, one from the tapes the protagonist listened too when she was coming out about being a submissive- "Who said love has to be soft and gentle all the time?" hmm...)
Sex is a biological necessity, but it's good for the species to do it with people they care about because that ensures better chances that the child will be well cared for. On the same note, It has also developed into a medium for showing affection for others, while silmuntaneously becoming a way to overpower and dominate them. And on the other end of the spectrum, lots of people will hava amazing sex with people they don't even know. (which perhaps brings this whole thing full circle, back to biological necessity) This is definitley not the first movie ever made inwhich something that started out as very sexually base actually devleoped into something more, but what exactly is the relationship between sex and, well, relationships?
I guess everyone's different- our class couple back in the day barely french kissed, but perhaps that stored up sexual tension (if it existed) resulted in their fighting on a daily basis? My friend said that when her parents met, they just knew they were meant for each other. They didn't really want to have sex, infact, the only reason they did was to have kids. (Ironically enough, that kid turned out to be sortof a horndog....perhaps its a recessive gene?) Another friend of mine once saw a documentary made about married asexual couples- that's right, couples that are married but have never actually had sex. They're reasoning? One woman said "things are so good now! why risk messing that up?" True, adding a sexual level to a relationship can complicate things, and that's one theory (according to another friend of mine) for why friends don't have sex. Then again, it can also enhance them. I was talking to another friend of mine who described having a deep emotional relationship with someone, in addition to a fantastic physical one, while still just being friends and dating other people. (Though I'd like to see where that relationship ends up in a few years...) When Odysseus was stuck with Calypso, he missed his wife dearly, but the goddess sugessted that they use sex as a medium to develop a positive relationship between them, and it did work up to a point.
As you can see, I don't really have an answer for all of this, Nor do I beleive that one exists that could be applied to the majority of the population, but until then, we may have at least figured out one thing...
About that halloween costume....
As my friend was crooning over their adorable loving relationship and how incredibly cute it was, I found myself thinking "What the fuck? How could a movie that spends half of its time acting as porn- S&M porn at that- actually have led to a sweet and romantic ending?" (Another line also stood out, one from the tapes the protagonist listened too when she was coming out about being a submissive- "Who said love has to be soft and gentle all the time?" hmm...)
Sex is a biological necessity, but it's good for the species to do it with people they care about because that ensures better chances that the child will be well cared for. On the same note, It has also developed into a medium for showing affection for others, while silmuntaneously becoming a way to overpower and dominate them. And on the other end of the spectrum, lots of people will hava amazing sex with people they don't even know. (which perhaps brings this whole thing full circle, back to biological necessity) This is definitley not the first movie ever made inwhich something that started out as very sexually base actually devleoped into something more, but what exactly is the relationship between sex and, well, relationships?
I guess everyone's different- our class couple back in the day barely french kissed, but perhaps that stored up sexual tension (if it existed) resulted in their fighting on a daily basis? My friend said that when her parents met, they just knew they were meant for each other. They didn't really want to have sex, infact, the only reason they did was to have kids. (Ironically enough, that kid turned out to be sortof a horndog....perhaps its a recessive gene?) Another friend of mine once saw a documentary made about married asexual couples- that's right, couples that are married but have never actually had sex. They're reasoning? One woman said "things are so good now! why risk messing that up?" True, adding a sexual level to a relationship can complicate things, and that's one theory (according to another friend of mine) for why friends don't have sex. Then again, it can also enhance them. I was talking to another friend of mine who described having a deep emotional relationship with someone, in addition to a fantastic physical one, while still just being friends and dating other people. (Though I'd like to see where that relationship ends up in a few years...) When Odysseus was stuck with Calypso, he missed his wife dearly, but the goddess sugessted that they use sex as a medium to develop a positive relationship between them, and it did work up to a point.
As you can see, I don't really have an answer for all of this, Nor do I beleive that one exists that could be applied to the majority of the population, but until then, we may have at least figured out one thing...
About that halloween costume....
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
This Is The Day, My Life Will Surely Change?
There's something shitty about wedsnesdays, but today was extra disfunctional. I practically slept through my alarm, and when I saw I had to be leaving at that time inorder to get to class on time, I just thought "being late would suck, I'll just skip." This is a decision I have been making WAY too often lately. It is the third time in a row I have skipped chem class (yes, I know, my poor abused lover...) and factoring in a cancellation and break, I haven't been in that class for over a week. Then I told myself that this was for the better, I would sleep in for both chem and math, thus procuring more time to work on my lab. (this is also the umpteenth time I've skipped math) Since I'm a lazy ass, I only ended up with an extra 20 minutes of time to work on my lab report before I was 1o minutes late to lab. I finished up my shitty ass lab report (cuz I seriously had no idea what was going on for that entire experiement...) and handed it in. After lab, I found out I got a B on my chem midterm (*hides face in absolute SHAME*)* told my math teacher I was sick this morning (which is true but not at all why I didn't come to class) and sat down to blog before I have to deal with a week and a half's worth of undone government reading. Oh, and I'm starving.
I was just thinking to myself what an incapable, disfunctional fuck up I am (but shh! don't tell my parents!) and procrastinating emailing back my old advisor when I realized...wasn't I bitching about this last year? Yeah, I'm in college now, but has anything really changed?
True, senior year did teach me alot about dealing with work (or rather, procrastinating and faking sick) and limits (or rather, pushing them) but am I making the same mistakes all over again? Should I actually start eating breakfast? Or should I feel no shame in being able to get by on showing up to half of my required classes in PJs 10 minutes late if I'm doing just fine in the class?
And then there's my personal life. I still spend the majority of my time working, but being in a different environment I lack the solid group of friends I could fall back on when the weekend rolled around. (Though weekends still manage to be a lot more fun if something good is going on) However, if I ever am really missing the old days of hanging out with people who actually know me (well, one at least) it's only a free bus ride (and maybe some trippy movies and half a bottle of rum) away.
Is this wierd because it's not what I expected, or is it wierd because (unlike many things in life) it's exactly what I was expecting without even realizing it?
*got an A in math though...wtf?
I was just thinking to myself what an incapable, disfunctional fuck up I am (but shh! don't tell my parents!) and procrastinating emailing back my old advisor when I realized...wasn't I bitching about this last year? Yeah, I'm in college now, but has anything really changed?
True, senior year did teach me alot about dealing with work (or rather, procrastinating and faking sick) and limits (or rather, pushing them) but am I making the same mistakes all over again? Should I actually start eating breakfast? Or should I feel no shame in being able to get by on showing up to half of my required classes in PJs 10 minutes late if I'm doing just fine in the class?
And then there's my personal life. I still spend the majority of my time working, but being in a different environment I lack the solid group of friends I could fall back on when the weekend rolled around. (Though weekends still manage to be a lot more fun if something good is going on) However, if I ever am really missing the old days of hanging out with people who actually know me (well, one at least) it's only a free bus ride (and maybe some trippy movies and half a bottle of rum) away.
Is this wierd because it's not what I expected, or is it wierd because (unlike many things in life) it's exactly what I was expecting without even realizing it?
*got an A in math though...wtf?
Wednesday, October 03, 2007
Oxi-Nation Reactions!
This is how you know you've been doing too much studying and not nearly enough sleeping:
Juicy [thinking to herself]: Yeah...I wanna be a chem minor, I'm taking orgo chem for fun!
Imaginary Conversational Adversary: You're crazy, you realize this has no relevance to what you want to do with your life? (Which, btw, is become and ACLU lawyer)
Juicy: well....actually, it relates quite well. The electrons in an atom are like people, and it takes energy to free them from the oppressive nucleus!
ICA: But don't electrons enjoy being in a state of least energy, eg bound to the nucleus?
Juicy: Well, perhaps it's because they've never known anything else, like how people in authoritative governement systems will stick to such systems simply because they find security in what they are familiar with, and do not know how to govern themselves. Besides, how do the electrons really know what they want?
ICA: So you're with Plato now? That's elitism.
Juicy: True... ouch, my bad. But the analogy still holds...You have to add energy to compunds to decompose/ionize them and release element's electrons, like how angry energy surrounding a political clevage can polarize a society and also make people more politically active. Once the atoms become free floating ions, they can form compounds different from the ones they were just split from, and then return to a lower energy state. This is similar to the way people en masse (because ionic compounds cannot form on the individual level) will revolt from the status quo, search for a different kind of government, then eventually settle down again once they are happy (If ever). The more electrons there are that attempt to attach themselves to a nucleus (or certain kind of government) the less the energy of the authoritative nucleus will affect them due to shielding. (even though this difference is minimal because they would all be in the same subshell...but bear with me) Thus, people are more likely to choose democratic governements, and the fact that the people have infact chosen this government makes it more accountable to their liberties and desires, just as Locke outlined in his Social Contract theory....Dude, I think we have the workings of a senior thesis!
ICA: *rolls eyes*
This is why I was chuckling to myself on my walk home tonight. Yeah....
Juicy [thinking to herself]: Yeah...I wanna be a chem minor, I'm taking orgo chem for fun!
Imaginary Conversational Adversary: You're crazy, you realize this has no relevance to what you want to do with your life? (Which, btw, is become and ACLU lawyer)
Juicy: well....actually, it relates quite well. The electrons in an atom are like people, and it takes energy to free them from the oppressive nucleus!
ICA: But don't electrons enjoy being in a state of least energy, eg bound to the nucleus?
Juicy: Well, perhaps it's because they've never known anything else, like how people in authoritative governement systems will stick to such systems simply because they find security in what they are familiar with, and do not know how to govern themselves. Besides, how do the electrons really know what they want?
ICA: So you're with Plato now? That's elitism.
Juicy: True... ouch, my bad. But the analogy still holds...You have to add energy to compunds to decompose/ionize them and release element's electrons, like how angry energy surrounding a political clevage can polarize a society and also make people more politically active. Once the atoms become free floating ions, they can form compounds different from the ones they were just split from, and then return to a lower energy state. This is similar to the way people en masse (because ionic compounds cannot form on the individual level) will revolt from the status quo, search for a different kind of government, then eventually settle down again once they are happy (If ever). The more electrons there are that attempt to attach themselves to a nucleus (or certain kind of government) the less the energy of the authoritative nucleus will affect them due to shielding. (even though this difference is minimal because they would all be in the same subshell...but bear with me) Thus, people are more likely to choose democratic governements, and the fact that the people have infact chosen this government makes it more accountable to their liberties and desires, just as Locke outlined in his Social Contract theory....Dude, I think we have the workings of a senior thesis!
ICA: *rolls eyes*
This is why I was chuckling to myself on my walk home tonight. Yeah....
Monday, October 01, 2007
7am: FUCK!!!
Common knowledge is that one does a better job of reflecting on their life and distancing themseleves from their problems after a solid night's sleep. But this is not always the case. After you have spent seven hours behind your own closed, flittering eyes, you start to think about things you never even knew were on your mind. During a normal night, once your mind could rest, it would first turn to the things that give it most pleasure- dreams about life goals, certain people, etc. etc. But when your trail of thought fails to slowly collapse into the random absurdity that is a dream sequence, you find yourself going far more in depth in your concious thought and reflection. You analyze your wishes and anything else on your plate, you run these things through your mind more vividly, and ponder their knitty-gritty realities and unexpected consequences. The issues of your life that you would normally suppress or simply choose not to think about rise to the surface and become mentally verbalized, and (if you're me) attempt to resolve themselves (again if you're me) often in the form of exceptionally clear, organized, eloquent, and detailed letters and/or speeches to major figures in your life. By the time 7am rolls around and the sun comes up, chances are you have already accepted your grim fate for the next day, and have reached a place of extreme zen (also partially brought about by sleep deprivation and its related insanity) and wisdom. True, it has been scientifically hypothesized is that the less sleep we get the more wisdom we lose, and thus turn into zombies. (trust me, I was once assimilated...) but I don't think sleep is always the answer. We all need these long, thoughtful nights and quiet morning moments, especially those of us who are always too lazy to wake up for them.
One thing you start to wonder about is fate, and the fate of your life. You wonder if it's all some great merciful (or serendipitous but initially cruel) "nexusy" coincidence that just as you saw the red digits turn on your bedside clock, the morning bell rang signalling the day off from school. (I screamed Fuck because I was hoping for Tuesday, but this might work even better...minus my lack of abilities due to sleep deprivation, of course. Then again, if it's really all about the sleep 2 nights before the exam, let's face it, I'm fucked.) It might also be another bizarre "nexusy" coincidence that after spending hours drafting a letter to your parents (one in particular) about how you're getting older, namely when it comes to relationships with other people, your roomate decides to celebrate the holiday with an episode of Sex and the City. And as you sit and enjoy your morning cold pizza, you watch an episode, randomly picked, called "Hot Child in the City." And guess what it was about.
One thing you start to wonder about is fate, and the fate of your life. You wonder if it's all some great merciful (or serendipitous but initially cruel) "nexusy" coincidence that just as you saw the red digits turn on your bedside clock, the morning bell rang signalling the day off from school. (I screamed Fuck because I was hoping for Tuesday, but this might work even better...minus my lack of abilities due to sleep deprivation, of course. Then again, if it's really all about the sleep 2 nights before the exam, let's face it, I'm fucked.) It might also be another bizarre "nexusy" coincidence that after spending hours drafting a letter to your parents (one in particular) about how you're getting older, namely when it comes to relationships with other people, your roomate decides to celebrate the holiday with an episode of Sex and the City. And as you sit and enjoy your morning cold pizza, you watch an episode, randomly picked, called "Hot Child in the City." And guess what it was about.
Friday, September 28, 2007
The Most Depressing Thing You Will Read Today (But People Still Keep Watching...)
It all started with ER and General Hospital, then Scrubs, then House, then Grey's Anatomy, and lord knows how many more there are to come. Why are people so obsessed with medical dramas? Frankly, every time I watch one I start to wonder what bizarre tumours and diseases are lurking inside me, undiscovered until a part of my stomach or brain spontaneously combusts, thus turning me into one of the poor patients on the show. I think about death: when will I die? Will I have a heart attack? Will it be nice and quick? Or perhaps I will experience the slow, sometimes pleasant but often terrifying and utterly sickening to those around me death of the self: Alzheimer's. (only of course, to forget about it 5 min later.) Will I ever become a parapalegic? Or maybe I will have a brain tumor, thus forcing me to choose between an operation that could save my life and the risk of losing my entire personality. Is everything I've known and cherished in my entire life really that easy to chemically erase? Everyone thinks "it can't happen to me" but it could all change in a second. Before you know it, you could be a vegetable, or worse...no, I don't even want to think about it.
I guess the general populace watches shows like these because they make their own day to day problems seem trivial in the face of cancer and heart problems. Meanwhile, the personal issues of the characters on the show are far more interesting than everyone else's. There's also probably the ability to relate, to a certain extent, I mean, there are a hell of a lot of doctors and interns around, right? I enjoy these shows to a certain extent, but as you can see from my last paragraph, I can only do so in limited quantities before I start getting depressed, paranoid, and even more of a hypochondriac. Because really, this shit is happenning to thousands of people every day. And what if the brilliant Dr. House wasn't in charge of my case? I could be done.
But steps can be taken to avoid this. (Isn't it funny how everything in life just seems to tie together?) Today I scheduled the second installement of my HPV vaccination, and felt very mature (I refuse to use "grown-up" as an adjective but we all know that's really what I'm implying) because theyre sending me the bill directly and I have to submit it to my insurance provider. Once I figure out exactly how this system works (and maybe once I turn 18, just to be safe privacy-wise) I'll probably take up some new, healthy habits. (And no repeats of last weekend...ever...) Because really, it could happen to you.
And on a final note: if I ever am completley incoherent and strapped to a wheel chair, or stuck in dementia-land, etc. etc. I have one request: Please, put some cyanide in my soup and D-N-FUCKING-R!!!!!!!!!!!!
I guess the general populace watches shows like these because they make their own day to day problems seem trivial in the face of cancer and heart problems. Meanwhile, the personal issues of the characters on the show are far more interesting than everyone else's. There's also probably the ability to relate, to a certain extent, I mean, there are a hell of a lot of doctors and interns around, right? I enjoy these shows to a certain extent, but as you can see from my last paragraph, I can only do so in limited quantities before I start getting depressed, paranoid, and even more of a hypochondriac. Because really, this shit is happenning to thousands of people every day. And what if the brilliant Dr. House wasn't in charge of my case? I could be done.
But steps can be taken to avoid this. (Isn't it funny how everything in life just seems to tie together?) Today I scheduled the second installement of my HPV vaccination, and felt very mature (I refuse to use "grown-up" as an adjective but we all know that's really what I'm implying) because theyre sending me the bill directly and I have to submit it to my insurance provider. Once I figure out exactly how this system works (and maybe once I turn 18, just to be safe privacy-wise) I'll probably take up some new, healthy habits. (And no repeats of last weekend...ever...) Because really, it could happen to you.
And on a final note: if I ever am completley incoherent and strapped to a wheel chair, or stuck in dementia-land, etc. etc. I have one request: Please, put some cyanide in my soup and D-N-FUCKING-R!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, September 25, 2007
Let's Talk About Feelings!
Well I'm still recovering from my dysfunctional weekend, and should probably spend this time working, but I was about to make another comment on JVs blog when I realized this was an incredibly worthy (and long, sorry) post within itself.
Can you ever "just be yourself?" do you inevitably have to choose a clique? and when this choice is made, though perhaps not conciously, how much does it affect your own sense of identity?
It's true, having a more normalized sense of identiy will immidiatley give you an easier time socially- you know what your "group" looks like, what they care about, what they do on weekends, and you will probably click with them immidiatley, before you've even realized the subtle social psychology at work.
But what if your sense of identity hasn't fit a predictable stereotype since middle school? What if your group of friends since lord-knows-when contains a beloved, bizarre type of diversity? What if you could see yourself being friends with all sorts of people? In other words, what if you're me?
Let's start at the begginning- middle school. Very predictable group of friends defined simply by the fact that we were all unpopular girls who didn't wear Abercrombie and Fitch or listen to Britney. Me: the artsy girl wearing the skirt over pants or a sparkly top hat (im serious-it was an awesome look) on any given day because she thought it looked cool and didn't really care about what anyone else thought. Sortof punk, but not too hard core aesthetically.
Now I get shipped off to prep school- total culture shock, pushing me to stick even more faithfully to my punk/alternative roots, even if they were not so strong to begin with. (I do still love some of that music though, and I am forever a flaming activist liberal). Needless to say, I was completely antisocial for that year excluding a junior (who was equally crazy she just hadn't discovered it yet, shout outs, you're welcome :) ) a nice sophomore, and my roomate who hated me but warmed up eventually.
My second year of prepschool- all my hardcore-not-giving-a-shit-about-anything attitude somehow magically becomes converted to work ethic, and I get intouch with my inner nerd. Apparently I love school....who knew. Meanwhile, I change dorms and get to know some cooler, more alternative people that I genuinley become friends with. As much as I love my new dorm-mates, I also meet another group of artsy/nerdy newcomers. And this is where I find myself stuck between a similar dichotomy that JV describes: you can have lots of friends, but inevitbly, if its a solid group you're looking for, the choice is inevitble. You will end up spending more time with some people than others. Luckily, it wasn't really a concious decision. The reason I'm not really worried about my current situation (which I'll describe in a minute) is because if prep school taught me one thing: the best things in life just sort of happen. You don't have to worry about who you are friends with, because eventually that choice will be made for you in a completely natural and organic way. And as for the others, they're still some of my besties, so really, don't worry about it.
It is that experience- from lots of random friends, to no friends, to lots of demi-friends, to an arguable clique of close friends, to an arguable clique plus the roadtrip crew, that is currently keeping me sane.
Now, I am in college. I have met lots of people I genuinely like, but I can't really say I have a set group. While most people in my dorm found others they clicked with and created their own social sub group, I tended to click with one or two people per group across multiple cliques, so I still feel like I'm testing the waters socially. (This is made harder by the fact that I can be an incredibly judgemental person, and even though the best friendships-god, I sound like OSK- happen organically, I still put a decent amount of effort into deciding who I want to bother to socialize with. Oh, and I'm naturally self-sufficient, fine with being alone, and untrusting of people, so needless to say adjusting will take me awhile, but I'm ok with that.) Plus my school has so many people I want to get to know and that seem cool, I am depressed at the thought that I could have met my best friend ever but just didn't bump into her.
Now let's take this back to sense of self- I am still figuring this out. during the week, I am a hardcore nerd/dork, but I turn into the biggest rebel/party girl on weekends. (There's social dichotomy #1 right there. Eg- last weekend) At times I can be artsy and creative, other times more intellectual and straightforward. I can be very, very girly at times, and other times not so much at all. (This perpetual hybridization and redefinition of sense of self, if you were wondering, is why I have so many clothes.)
So, When I have found my clique, (if I ever do- I'm in no rush and by no means stressed about it having survived my sophomore year of prep school) will this crazy smorgasbord of personality traits and styles magically fall into line? It is inevitable that some end up getting more stressed than others, but isn't college supposed to be all about personal growth?
And then there are people like my roomate- people who magically seem to immidiatley become best friends with everyone, while silmontaneously creating their own little clique of besties and having the most incredible social networking skills you've ever seen in your life, while also being an incredibly chill, confident, person. Are people like that just "being themselves?" or secretly do they to wonder what's going on and where they fit? Having lived with one I doubt it, but this really isn't relevant to me seeing as I obviosly lack that gene. (Or I do just minus the social-networking and everyone-wants-to-hang-with-me-all-the-time chromosomes)
Here's a final thought: At the very start of middle school my best friend was really preppy. Some days at lunch I sat with her and her friends at one table, and on other days I sat with some of my other friends. One day, one of her friends said to me "Oh my god, can't you just choose one already?" with the bitchiest tone ever. I didn't sit at that table very much after that. Don't be that bitch.
Can you ever "just be yourself?" do you inevitably have to choose a clique? and when this choice is made, though perhaps not conciously, how much does it affect your own sense of identity?
It's true, having a more normalized sense of identiy will immidiatley give you an easier time socially- you know what your "group" looks like, what they care about, what they do on weekends, and you will probably click with them immidiatley, before you've even realized the subtle social psychology at work.
But what if your sense of identity hasn't fit a predictable stereotype since middle school? What if your group of friends since lord-knows-when contains a beloved, bizarre type of diversity? What if you could see yourself being friends with all sorts of people? In other words, what if you're me?
Let's start at the begginning- middle school. Very predictable group of friends defined simply by the fact that we were all unpopular girls who didn't wear Abercrombie and Fitch or listen to Britney. Me: the artsy girl wearing the skirt over pants or a sparkly top hat (im serious-it was an awesome look) on any given day because she thought it looked cool and didn't really care about what anyone else thought. Sortof punk, but not too hard core aesthetically.
Now I get shipped off to prep school- total culture shock, pushing me to stick even more faithfully to my punk/alternative roots, even if they were not so strong to begin with. (I do still love some of that music though, and I am forever a flaming activist liberal). Needless to say, I was completely antisocial for that year excluding a junior (who was equally crazy she just hadn't discovered it yet, shout outs, you're welcome :) ) a nice sophomore, and my roomate who hated me but warmed up eventually.
My second year of prepschool- all my hardcore-not-giving-a-shit-about-anything attitude somehow magically becomes converted to work ethic, and I get intouch with my inner nerd. Apparently I love school....who knew. Meanwhile, I change dorms and get to know some cooler, more alternative people that I genuinley become friends with. As much as I love my new dorm-mates, I also meet another group of artsy/nerdy newcomers. And this is where I find myself stuck between a similar dichotomy that JV describes: you can have lots of friends, but inevitbly, if its a solid group you're looking for, the choice is inevitble. You will end up spending more time with some people than others. Luckily, it wasn't really a concious decision. The reason I'm not really worried about my current situation (which I'll describe in a minute) is because if prep school taught me one thing: the best things in life just sort of happen. You don't have to worry about who you are friends with, because eventually that choice will be made for you in a completely natural and organic way. And as for the others, they're still some of my besties, so really, don't worry about it.
It is that experience- from lots of random friends, to no friends, to lots of demi-friends, to an arguable clique of close friends, to an arguable clique plus the roadtrip crew, that is currently keeping me sane.
Now, I am in college. I have met lots of people I genuinely like, but I can't really say I have a set group. While most people in my dorm found others they clicked with and created their own social sub group, I tended to click with one or two people per group across multiple cliques, so I still feel like I'm testing the waters socially. (This is made harder by the fact that I can be an incredibly judgemental person, and even though the best friendships-god, I sound like OSK- happen organically, I still put a decent amount of effort into deciding who I want to bother to socialize with. Oh, and I'm naturally self-sufficient, fine with being alone, and untrusting of people, so needless to say adjusting will take me awhile, but I'm ok with that.) Plus my school has so many people I want to get to know and that seem cool, I am depressed at the thought that I could have met my best friend ever but just didn't bump into her.
Now let's take this back to sense of self- I am still figuring this out. during the week, I am a hardcore nerd/dork, but I turn into the biggest rebel/party girl on weekends. (There's social dichotomy #1 right there. Eg- last weekend) At times I can be artsy and creative, other times more intellectual and straightforward. I can be very, very girly at times, and other times not so much at all. (This perpetual hybridization and redefinition of sense of self, if you were wondering, is why I have so many clothes.)
So, When I have found my clique, (if I ever do- I'm in no rush and by no means stressed about it having survived my sophomore year of prep school) will this crazy smorgasbord of personality traits and styles magically fall into line? It is inevitable that some end up getting more stressed than others, but isn't college supposed to be all about personal growth?
And then there are people like my roomate- people who magically seem to immidiatley become best friends with everyone, while silmontaneously creating their own little clique of besties and having the most incredible social networking skills you've ever seen in your life, while also being an incredibly chill, confident, person. Are people like that just "being themselves?" or secretly do they to wonder what's going on and where they fit? Having lived with one I doubt it, but this really isn't relevant to me seeing as I obviosly lack that gene. (Or I do just minus the social-networking and everyone-wants-to-hang-with-me-all-the-time chromosomes)
Here's a final thought: At the very start of middle school my best friend was really preppy. Some days at lunch I sat with her and her friends at one table, and on other days I sat with some of my other friends. One day, one of her friends said to me "Oh my god, can't you just choose one already?" with the bitchiest tone ever. I didn't sit at that table very much after that. Don't be that bitch.
Saturday, September 22, 2007
Milestones
You know a certain experience was mediocre when you only have 2 remarks to make about it, and one if them is "Yes, I actually got my sweatshirt back!"
that+grass= my weekend
And that's all I have to say 'bout that.
that+grass= my weekend
And that's all I have to say 'bout that.
Wednesday, September 19, 2007
I Love My School
This is describing an officially sponsored event at my school to "celebrate sexuality in all its forms"
"...After the performances, there is a “parade” to the campus center. The pathway is lined by tables hosted by orgs or non-quad houses that offer everything from condoms and dental dams to lap dances and head shaving. At the end of the route, to cap of the night, is a party in the Carroll Room."
"...After the performances, there is a “parade” to the campus center. The pathway is lined by tables hosted by orgs or non-quad houses that offer everything from condoms and dental dams to lap dances and head shaving. At the end of the route, to cap of the night, is a party in the Carroll Room."
Happy Holidays
Everyone knows that in every lab group there are three types of people: the leader who actually knows what's going on, the drone who helps them measure stuff, and the lazy ass who just continually asks what's going on and copies down the other two's notes. Guess who I usually am. If you haven't figured it out yet, here's a hint: Yesterday was the slumpiest day of my life. Seriously, it was disgusting, even by senior-year of high school standards. If my old advisor knew about this, she would probably drive an hour just so she could yell at me. I showed up to my first class 15 min late in my pajamas, and have never tried harder in my life to stay awake. In my second class I was in the same attire, and actually did fall asleep. I got back to my room at noon, and slept until fucking 4. Woke up, ate my only meal, did somewhat productive things, kept up with TheKaitzer, and did not start my work due to next day till a record 1:30 AM. Clearly, I need some serious motivation to get ahead again. (Once I finish this blog post, of course)
But today, that motivation may just have come. You see, as a young child my parents gave me lots of nice presents, like puzzles, a computer, books, a microscope, and a dress up kit (can you tell?). What I never did get from my hippie mom and buisness-savvy dad was a Chemistry Set. (Which is surprising cuz in kindergarten my favorite activity was pouring water into beakers) But today was Christmas. (Well, technically it was talk-like-a-pirate day, but who cares about that?) Yes, today I got my own little locker in a lab containing about 2 dozen test tubes, a dozen or so beakers, lots of flasks, and scores of other bizarre utensils and containers that I cannot even begin to list. Two whole plastic bins worth!!! They're not "mine" so to speak, but they are all locked in my locker for my personal use. (Hopefully whenever I want, having already entertained several fantasies of sneaking back into the lab in the middle of the night and mixing lord knows what....mwhahah, any ideas?) Looking around the lab is equally exhillirating....lots and lots of bottles labeled with all sorts of compouds just sitting on open shelves waiting to be mixed! One even looked like it was from the 60's, and had this incredibly sexy old-school Poison label on it, complete with all sorts of compounds one could use for antidote. How hot is that!
And not to be outdone by JVert's awesome use of web-cam...
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Thursday, September 13, 2007
We Live in MA, Dumbass...
So today I was at the Barnes&Noble waiting around for a taxi (long, boring story) and I saw that they were selling postcards, so I went over to take a gander. It seemed expectable at first: Hartford, Yale U, some Dino museum, but then it hit me...toto, we're not in CT anymore! Seriously, is MA so lame that it has to resort to selling it's little southern neighbor's postcards? This can't be possible...I mean, who cares about Boston, the Smithsonian, a ton of colleges, the Sox, let alone our Nation's epicenter of colonial history, when just a few miles south, there's a government building with a pretty gold dome on top of it!!! ooooh.....! Seriously, none of them were from the 01--- zipcode. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to diss my home state (too much) but everyone knows that Massachusetts is simply 10x cooler...what's with the lamo postcards?
So the rest of this blog post is going to be devoted to all the little things (such as that above) that are worth noting but hardly strong enough to carry the weight of their own title.
For starters- My nexus powers. Now if you don't know who I am you are probably going to think I am crazy for claiming to have powers. Then again, If you don't know me then I don't know you, so I really don't care. Anyway: at one point yesterday I was thinking to myself: what exactly is the formal definition of a focus again? if it is simply the center of a perfect circle tangent to the end of an ellipse, couldn't any number of points serve as foci? I pondered this in the back of my mind for the rest of my day until that evening when I went to do my AST hw. I opened up the text to do my reading, and there it was: an entire box devoted to the geometry of ellipses and foci right under my fingertips. Under 12 hours= an ultimate nexus record. Holy Shit! add into this the fish and the radio station (ask JV) ...maybe soon I can qualify for ESP?
Next- A very wise Verizon commercial once said that what connects us most is our need to be connected. That said, why do people never comment on my blog?!?!?! SERIOUSLY GUYS! Has my uber extensive 4 person readership dwindled even smaller? Or are my posts just so mundane that absolutley NOTHING moves anyone to speak even after I have exhausted my daily minutae for their reading pleasure? Now being in a slump is one thing (eg my wearing my PJs to class 2x this week and skipping GOV...oops...) but this is too much... I need your Juicy feedback! please! I feel so alone in the blogosphere! *bursts into tears*
So the rest of this blog post is going to be devoted to all the little things (such as that above) that are worth noting but hardly strong enough to carry the weight of their own title.
For starters- My nexus powers. Now if you don't know who I am you are probably going to think I am crazy for claiming to have powers. Then again, If you don't know me then I don't know you, so I really don't care. Anyway: at one point yesterday I was thinking to myself: what exactly is the formal definition of a focus again? if it is simply the center of a perfect circle tangent to the end of an ellipse, couldn't any number of points serve as foci? I pondered this in the back of my mind for the rest of my day until that evening when I went to do my AST hw. I opened up the text to do my reading, and there it was: an entire box devoted to the geometry of ellipses and foci right under my fingertips. Under 12 hours= an ultimate nexus record. Holy Shit! add into this the fish and the radio station (ask JV) ...maybe soon I can qualify for ESP?
Next- A very wise Verizon commercial once said that what connects us most is our need to be connected. That said, why do people never comment on my blog?!?!?! SERIOUSLY GUYS! Has my uber extensive 4 person readership dwindled even smaller? Or are my posts just so mundane that absolutley NOTHING moves anyone to speak even after I have exhausted my daily minutae for their reading pleasure? Now being in a slump is one thing (eg my wearing my PJs to class 2x this week and skipping GOV...oops...) but this is too much... I need your Juicy feedback! please! I feel so alone in the blogosphere! *bursts into tears*
Wednesday, September 12, 2007
Questioning My Sexual Orientation
This blog post is dedicated to any little soon-to-be humanities major who ever had a nerdgasm reading their Chemistry text book.
Oh, you didn't want to admit it at first, I know. The library was quiet and lonely. You think: this isn't too abnormal, these things happen to everyone. You'll tell yourself: It doesn't say anything about my character, I am a Humanities person, really. I'm just a Humanities person who happenned to take the introductory level Chemistry class, followed by some classes in OChem, that's all. It's just for 3 semesters, just for fun on the side. Nothing serious. You believed yourself too, but it didn't stop there did it? No, you couldn't control it, could you? Before you know it, you hear there's only one more mild deviation that seperates you from a Quantum Chemistry class. Just one, why not, right? You have plenty of time for English and History, and you know you love them more. And that's what really matters, right? It's not a big deal.
But then one day you'll wake up: hair dishevelled, text book beneath you, stains on your sheets, (from highlighting, of course) and you'll have to look at yourself in the mirror and finally, honestly, admit to yourself: "Hello. My name is Juicy... and I have a minor in Chemistry."
Because let's face it: Everyone knows that Quantum Mechanics is just too fucking sexy.
Oh, you didn't want to admit it at first, I know. The library was quiet and lonely. You think: this isn't too abnormal, these things happen to everyone. You'll tell yourself: It doesn't say anything about my character, I am a Humanities person, really. I'm just a Humanities person who happenned to take the introductory level Chemistry class, followed by some classes in OChem, that's all. It's just for 3 semesters, just for fun on the side. Nothing serious. You believed yourself too, but it didn't stop there did it? No, you couldn't control it, could you? Before you know it, you hear there's only one more mild deviation that seperates you from a Quantum Chemistry class. Just one, why not, right? You have plenty of time for English and History, and you know you love them more. And that's what really matters, right? It's not a big deal.
But then one day you'll wake up: hair dishevelled, text book beneath you, stains on your sheets, (from highlighting, of course) and you'll have to look at yourself in the mirror and finally, honestly, admit to yourself: "Hello. My name is Juicy... and I have a minor in Chemistry."
Because let's face it: Everyone knows that Quantum Mechanics is just too fucking sexy.
Sunday, September 09, 2007
Musings From The Morning After
The sky
is grey and expansive.
My soul
is similarly so:
Empty,
filled with fluff.
But at least it is nice and cool here
all the time.
My sigh reverberates on the winds
as I wonder what
has become of my friends.
~~~~~~~~~
Have you ever woken up and wondered what the hell you're doing?
is grey and expansive.
My soul
is similarly so:
Empty,
filled with fluff.
But at least it is nice and cool here
all the time.
My sigh reverberates on the winds
as I wonder what
has become of my friends.
~~~~~~~~~
Have you ever woken up and wondered what the hell you're doing?
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