The Most Depressing Thing You Will Read Today (But People Still Keep Watching...)

It all started with ER and General Hospital, then Scrubs, then House, then Grey's Anatomy, and lord knows how many more there are to come. Why are people so obsessed with medical dramas? Frankly, every time I watch one I start to wonder what bizarre tumours and diseases are lurking inside me, undiscovered until a part of my stomach or brain spontaneously combusts, thus turning me into one of the poor patients on the show. I think about death: when will I die? Will I have a heart attack? Will it be nice and quick? Or perhaps I will experience the slow, sometimes pleasant but often terrifying and utterly sickening to those around me death of the self: Alzheimer's. (only of course, to forget about it 5 min later.) Will I ever become a parapalegic? Or maybe I will have a brain tumor, thus forcing me to choose between an operation that could save my life and the risk of losing my entire personality. Is everything I've known and cherished in my entire life really that easy to chemically erase? Everyone thinks "it can't happen to me" but it could all change in a second. Before you know it, you could be a vegetable, or worse...no, I don't even want to think about it.

I guess the general populace watches shows like these because they make their own day to day problems seem trivial in the face of cancer and heart problems. Meanwhile, the personal issues of the characters on the show are far more interesting than everyone else's. There's also probably the ability to relate, to a certain extent, I mean, there are a hell of a lot of doctors and interns around, right? I enjoy these shows to a certain extent, but as you can see from my last paragraph, I can only do so in limited quantities before I start getting depressed, paranoid, and even more of a hypochondriac. Because really, this shit is happenning to thousands of people every day. And what if the brilliant Dr. House wasn't in charge of my case? I could be done.

But steps can be taken to avoid this. (Isn't it funny how everything in life just seems to tie together?) Today I scheduled the second installement of my HPV vaccination, and felt very mature (I refuse to use "grown-up" as an adjective but we all know that's really what I'm implying) because theyre sending me the bill directly and I have to submit it to my insurance provider. Once I figure out exactly how this system works (and maybe once I turn 18, just to be safe privacy-wise) I'll probably take up some new, healthy habits. (And no repeats of last weekend...ever...) Because really, it could happen to you.

And on a final note: if I ever am completley incoherent and strapped to a wheel chair, or stuck in dementia-land, etc. etc. I have one request: Please, put some cyanide in my soup and D-N-FUCKING-R!!!!!!!!!!!!

Let's Talk About Feelings!

Well I'm still recovering from my dysfunctional weekend, and should probably spend this time working, but I was about to make another comment on JVs blog when I realized this was an incredibly worthy (and long, sorry) post within itself.

Can you ever "just be yourself?" do you inevitably have to choose a clique? and when this choice is made, though perhaps not conciously, how much does it affect your own sense of identity?

It's true, having a more normalized sense of identiy will immidiatley give you an easier time socially- you know what your "group" looks like, what they care about, what they do on weekends, and you will probably click with them immidiatley, before you've even realized the subtle social psychology at work.

But what if your sense of identity hasn't fit a predictable stereotype since middle school? What if your group of friends since lord-knows-when contains a beloved, bizarre type of diversity? What if you could see yourself being friends with all sorts of people? In other words, what if you're me?

Let's start at the begginning- middle school. Very predictable group of friends defined simply by the fact that we were all unpopular girls who didn't wear Abercrombie and Fitch or listen to Britney. Me: the artsy girl wearing the skirt over pants or a sparkly top hat (im serious-it was an awesome look) on any given day because she thought it looked cool and didn't really care about what anyone else thought. Sortof punk, but not too hard core aesthetically.

Now I get shipped off to prep school- total culture shock, pushing me to stick even more faithfully to my punk/alternative roots, even if they were not so strong to begin with. (I do still love some of that music though, and I am forever a flaming activist liberal). Needless to say, I was completely antisocial for that year excluding a junior (who was equally crazy she just hadn't discovered it yet, shout outs, you're welcome :) ) a nice sophomore, and my roomate who hated me but warmed up eventually.

My second year of prepschool- all my hardcore-not-giving-a-shit-about-anything attitude somehow magically becomes converted to work ethic, and I get intouch with my inner nerd. Apparently I love school....who knew. Meanwhile, I change dorms and get to know some cooler, more alternative people that I genuinley become friends with. As much as I love my new dorm-mates, I also meet another group of artsy/nerdy newcomers. And this is where I find myself stuck between a similar dichotomy that JV describes: you can have lots of friends, but inevitbly, if its a solid group you're looking for, the choice is inevitble. You will end up spending more time with some people than others. Luckily, it wasn't really a concious decision. The reason I'm not really worried about my current situation (which I'll describe in a minute) is because if prep school taught me one thing: the best things in life just sort of happen. You don't have to worry about who you are friends with, because eventually that choice will be made for you in a completely natural and organic way. And as for the others, they're still some of my besties, so really, don't worry about it.


It is that experience- from lots of random friends, to no friends, to lots of demi-friends, to an arguable clique of close friends, to an arguable clique plus the roadtrip crew, that is currently keeping me sane.

Now, I am in college. I have met lots of people I genuinely like, but I can't really say I have a set group. While most people in my dorm found others they clicked with and created their own social sub group, I tended to click with one or two people per group across multiple cliques, so I still feel like I'm testing the waters socially. (This is made harder by the fact that I can be an incredibly judgemental person, and even though the best friendships-god, I sound like OSK- happen organically, I still put a decent amount of effort into deciding who I want to bother to socialize with. Oh, and I'm naturally self-sufficient, fine with being alone, and untrusting of people, so needless to say adjusting will take me awhile, but I'm ok with that.) Plus my school has so many people I want to get to know and that seem cool, I am depressed at the thought that I could have met my best friend ever but just didn't bump into her.

Now let's take this back to sense of self- I am still figuring this out. during the week, I am a hardcore nerd/dork, but I turn into the biggest rebel/party girl on weekends. (There's social dichotomy #1 right there. Eg- last weekend) At times I can be artsy and creative, other times more intellectual and straightforward. I can be very, very girly at times, and other times not so much at all. (This perpetual hybridization and redefinition of sense of self, if you were wondering, is why I have so many clothes.)

So, When I have found my clique, (if I ever do- I'm in no rush and by no means stressed about it having survived my sophomore year of prep school) will this crazy smorgasbord of personality traits and styles magically fall into line? It is inevitable that some end up getting more stressed than others, but isn't college supposed to be all about personal growth?

And then there are people like my roomate- people who magically seem to immidiatley become best friends with everyone, while silmontaneously creating their own little clique of besties and having the most incredible social networking skills you've ever seen in your life, while also being an incredibly chill, confident, person. Are people like that just "being themselves?" or secretly do they to wonder what's going on and where they fit? Having lived with one I doubt it, but this really isn't relevant to me seeing as I obviosly lack that gene. (Or I do just minus the social-networking and everyone-wants-to-hang-with-me-all-the-time chromosomes)

Here's a final thought: At the very start of middle school my best friend was really preppy. Some days at lunch I sat with her and her friends at one table, and on other days I sat with some of my other friends. One day, one of her friends said to me "Oh my god, can't you just choose one already?" with the bitchiest tone ever. I didn't sit at that table very much after that. Don't be that bitch.

Milestones

You know a certain experience was mediocre when you only have 2 remarks to make about it, and one if them is "Yes, I actually got my sweatshirt back!"


that+grass= my weekend



And that's all I have to say 'bout that.

I Love My School

This is describing an officially sponsored event at my school to "celebrate sexuality in all its forms"



"...After the performances, there is a “parade” to the campus center. The pathway is lined by tables hosted by orgs or non-quad houses that offer everything from condoms and dental dams to lap dances and head shaving. At the end of the route, to cap of the night, is a party in the Carroll Room."

Happy Holidays

Everyone knows that in every lab group there are three types of people: the leader who actually knows what's going on, the drone who helps them measure stuff, and the lazy ass who just continually asks what's going on and copies down the other two's notes. Guess who I usually am. If you haven't figured it out yet, here's a hint: Yesterday was the slumpiest day of my life. Seriously, it was disgusting, even by senior-year of high school standards. If my old advisor knew about this, she would probably drive an hour just so she could yell at me. I showed up to my first class 15 min late in my pajamas, and have never tried harder in my life to stay awake. In my second class I was in the same attire, and actually did fall asleep. I got back to my room at noon, and slept until fucking 4. Woke up, ate my only meal, did somewhat productive things, kept up with TheKaitzer, and did not start my work due to next day till a record 1:30 AM. Clearly, I need some serious motivation to get ahead again. (Once I finish this blog post, of course)

But today, that motivation may just have come. You see, as a young child my parents gave me lots of nice presents, like puzzles, a computer, books, a microscope, and a dress up kit (can you tell?). What I never did get from my hippie mom and buisness-savvy dad was a Chemistry Set. (Which is surprising cuz in kindergarten my favorite activity was pouring water into beakers) But today was Christmas. (Well, technically it was talk-like-a-pirate day, but who cares about that?) Yes, today I got my own little locker in a lab containing about 2 dozen test tubes, a dozen or so beakers, lots of flasks, and scores of other bizarre utensils and containers that I cannot even begin to list. Two whole plastic bins worth!!! They're not "mine" so to speak, but they are all locked in my locker for my personal use. (Hopefully whenever I want, having already entertained several fantasies of sneaking back into the lab in the middle of the night and mixing lord knows what....mwhahah, any ideas?) Looking around the lab is equally exhillirating....lots and lots of bottles labeled with all sorts of compouds just sitting on open shelves waiting to be mixed! One even looked like it was from the 60's, and had this incredibly sexy old-school Poison label on it, complete with all sorts of compounds one could use for antidote. How hot is that!

And not to be outdone by JVert's awesome use of web-cam...

We Live in MA, Dumbass...

So today I was at the Barnes&Noble waiting around for a taxi (long, boring story) and I saw that they were selling postcards, so I went over to take a gander. It seemed expectable at first: Hartford, Yale U, some Dino museum, but then it hit me...toto, we're not in CT anymore! Seriously, is MA so lame that it has to resort to selling it's little southern neighbor's postcards? This can't be possible...I mean, who cares about Boston, the Smithsonian, a ton of colleges, the Sox, let alone our Nation's epicenter of colonial history, when just a few miles south, there's a government building with a pretty gold dome on top of it!!! ooooh.....! Seriously, none of them were from the 01--- zipcode. Now don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to diss my home state (too much) but everyone knows that Massachusetts is simply 10x cooler...what's with the lamo postcards?

So the rest of this blog post is going to be devoted to all the little things (such as that above) that are worth noting but hardly strong enough to carry the weight of their own title.

For starters- My nexus powers. Now if you don't know who I am you are probably going to think I am crazy for claiming to have powers. Then again, If you don't know me then I don't know you, so I really don't care. Anyway: at one point yesterday I was thinking to myself: what exactly is the formal definition of a focus again? if it is simply the center of a perfect circle tangent to the end of an ellipse, couldn't any number of points serve as foci? I pondered this in the back of my mind for the rest of my day until that evening when I went to do my AST hw. I opened up the text to do my reading, and there it was: an entire box devoted to the geometry of ellipses and foci right under my fingertips. Under 12 hours= an ultimate nexus record. Holy Shit! add into this the fish and the radio station (ask JV) ...maybe soon I can qualify for ESP?

Next- A very wise Verizon commercial once said that what connects us most is our need to be connected. That said, why do people never comment on my blog?!?!?! SERIOUSLY GUYS! Has my uber extensive 4 person readership dwindled even smaller? Or are my posts just so mundane that absolutley NOTHING moves anyone to speak even after I have exhausted my daily minutae for their reading pleasure? Now being in a slump is one thing (eg my wearing my PJs to class 2x this week and skipping GOV...oops...) but this is too much... I need your Juicy feedback! please! I feel so alone in the blogosphere! *bursts into tears*

Questioning My Sexual Orientation

This blog post is dedicated to any little soon-to-be humanities major who ever had a nerdgasm reading their Chemistry text book.

Oh, you didn't want to admit it at first, I know. The library was quiet and lonely. You think: this isn't too abnormal, these things happen to everyone. You'll tell yourself: It doesn't say anything about my character, I am a Humanities person, really. I'm just a Humanities person who happenned to take the introductory level Chemistry class, followed by some classes in OChem, that's all. It's just for 3 semesters, just for fun on the side. Nothing serious. You believed yourself too, but it didn't stop there did it? No, you couldn't control it, could you? Before you know it, you hear there's only one more mild deviation that seperates you from a Quantum Chemistry class. Just one, why not, right? You have plenty of time for English and History, and you know you love them more. And that's what really matters, right? It's not a big deal.

But then one day you'll wake up: hair dishevelled, text book beneath you, stains on your sheets, (from highlighting, of course) and you'll have to look at yourself in the mirror and finally, honestly, admit to yourself: "Hello. My name is Juicy... and I have a minor in Chemistry."

Because let's face it: Everyone knows that Quantum Mechanics is just too fucking sexy.

Musings From The Morning After

The sky
is grey and expansive.
My soul
is similarly so:
Empty,
filled with fluff.
But at least it is nice and cool here
all the time.

My sigh reverberates on the winds
as I wonder what
has become of my friends.

~~~~~~~~~

Have you ever woken up and wondered what the hell you're doing?

Wait...I Actually Have to Learn Stuff?

So I was just raising my sleepy head off of its comfy resting place (my astronomy text book) when I thought to myself: How many times have I done this? Eyes closed, open highlighter in hand, a variety of different soft bound text books beneath, snoozing away for a few minutes over the course of 3 or so years of daily reading assignments. Is this any different from high school?


When we come to college, we think we are going to celebrate the best four years of our lives and party our newly independent asses off. This is by no means untrue, but we often forget that there is also a tremendous amount of work invovled, and ignore our parents' frequent reminders of their own collegiate struggles. (After all, I went to boarding school, didn't I? I can handle this...) It is only until we walk into a class (I dunno, say, Gov 224) where fellow freshman are far and few and where we are handed a piece of paper telling us that our entire grade will be based off of an oral project, an exam, and two 5-7 page papers that we start to think "Oh...Fuck."


But I am going to keep telling myself I can do this (after all, astro seems like a breeze). And like I said before, It is by no means untrue that I do plan on celebrating the last fleeting years of my youth. It's all about figuring out what's necessary, a skill that, sadly enough, can really only come with time and experience (If I ever learn, at that).


So is this really any different than highschool? I'd like to think so. Though once again I have found myself feeling studious and a little on the outside socially, I've also found myself in underwear and bunny ears drunkenly screaming at convocation, and running to hide shot glasses in my dresser in a pitch black room after the pseudo-lesbian dance party was broken up by rumors of a roaming Area Coordinator. So yes, regardless of how much I actually like my new found friends or how much time I spend passed out over a text book, I would like to think that this will sure as hell be better than high school. And if I learned anything from my Astronomy reading today, I learned that if the entire history of the universe was condensed into a calandar, I was born about .05 seconds ago, and I'll have graduated in about another 1/90 of a second. So even if college isn't all it was dreamed up to be, in the big picture, it's not the end of the Universe.