Thursday, February 05, 2009


Once upon a time, there was a lonely lady blogger. She frequently lamented her conservative family's perpetual insistance that she marry, compounded with the fact that she would probabaly become an old cat lady anyways, given her totally respectable, nerdddy tendencies.
But then one day, the perfect man for her found her blog by pure happenstance. He commented a lot, was blogged about, was met, and later... was married. Yes, married. It was truly the stuff that chick flicks are made of. I now can't help but muse that one day my blog too will become popular enough to attract random readers who will eventually fall in love with me. I think the conversation could go something like this:

CuteAnonymousGuyBlogger: Juicy, having read your blog for ages I can honestly say that you are an amazing, funny, quirky, intelligent, mesmerizing, girl and I would love to go out with you sometime. Since I have read your blog for a long time now, I feel that I know you intimatley and have already accepted all the things about you that you normally try to hide from prospective others by blogging rule #2. (Not that you have anything to hide, of course, being the coolest, most marvellous person ever.) I'm not a creeper, about the same age, live within a conveniant distance of you, share many of your interests, and also happen to be excellent in bed.

Now is that really so much to ask?

In other news, I have actually figured out why the number of guys interested in me at a given time is often comparable to the number of electrons in a hydrogen cation. Observe:

SexyMysteriousWoman: Hello, I'm sophisticated, intelligent, witty, well dressed, and have a complex personality that intrigues and attracts men. Guys seek to "figure me out" and then win me over in an impressive way. Men are are so attracted to me that they are willing to overcome the limits of convenience in my pursuit. I'm also flirtatious, but never too forward, as I have mastered the art of subtlety and non-verbal communication. I can be touchy-feely, but I never need to appear too interested, as my pursuers generally do all the work, and the slightest rejection only leaves them hungering for more.

Juicy: Hi, I like to make dumb jokes (sometimes at my expense), don't take many things seriously, and dress kind of like Rainbow Brite. I think acting differently to impress people is ultimatley a waste of time, and would much rather just be as honest with people as I can. I think the world would be a better place if everyone just tried their best to explain themselves, and subtlety is not my forte. When it comes to guys, I am either "friendly" or "extra-friendly." The latter is my best attempt at "flirty" since I was scarred at a very young age and thus, can never really act like that. I don't like playing games and, if given the opportunity, probably won't play hard to get because I don't see why I should risk discouraging someone I actually like.

Does it bug me that success in the social sphere ultimatley breaks down to basic psychology and tactics? Yes. Am I going to put this newfound knowledge to my advantage? Doubtful. Until then, at least my blog won't become overpopulated with posts gushing about my magical meant-to-be significant other on a regular basis. Really, just cuz you think he's awesome doesn't mean it makes for awesome blogging the tenth time around.

Monday, February 02, 2009

Why Yes, This Is Totally Blogworthy

Ever since I found myself in the presence of streetlamps on a daily basis, I discovered that I actually have a strange sort of influence over them. I am dead serious. Often, when I walk by an illuminated street lamp, it goes out just as I pass under it. This hasn't only happenned to me a few times, but with a freakish regularity on an atleast biweekly basis for the past five years. Once even, the same light turned off for me 3 times, on seperate occassions, on the same night. The very next night, another one also decided to spurn me.

I had recently started to intepret this as proof that I am, infact, some incarnation of the Devil. This is an entirely legitimate claim, seeing as whenever I reflect on the impressions I've made on other people's lives, it probably involves looser morales and a heightened affinity for substance abuse. I'm proud to say I've really inspired some of the most conservative people...But perhaps this is not the case?

Today, for the first time EVER, as I walked under a streetlamp at night, it turned on. I was shocked, then elated. What could this mean? Was this just a fluke, or had I been reassigned a more uplifting, less evil cosmic destiny afterall? Perhaps it was a sign of optimism during these stressful times? I was unsure. But then the unthinkable happenned. The next time I passed under that light that evening, I looked up to see it was in a very dim state, and half willed half dared it to turn on. To my shock- it did. This was clearly a sign. Compounded with my more recent aptitude for finding pennies (I generally get about one or two a week), perhaps things are looking up after all?