Monday, October 29, 2007

She's Super Freaky!

There are actually quite a few blog worthy thoughts on my mind this week (though expect a lull perhaps, my lap top crapped out on me) but here is the most immidiate, and come to think of it, has an almost Halloween-esque feel:

It has long been established that I am a Nexus of Fate (perhaps you think the joke's old, but seriously, this stuff keeps coming up) which means that the fates work through me to have thier bidding done. This is not always to my benefit, nor are my "nexus powers" really something I can control, but it does mean that my life is chock full of very specfic coincidences, the odd premonition (realized in hindsight of course- so no, I am not really telepathic), and most notably, a wierd connectedness among many things that happen to me. (yeah, I know, it's probably pure psychology, but just flow with me here...) The one example of this that continues to astound me more than others is the Fortune Cookie Application on facebook. Seriously, everytime I use it (save maybe once or twice) it manages to pull out something directly relevant to what ever is on my mind at the time. Hopefully this blog entry will not jinx such a useful Nexus tool, but here is every reading it's ever given me (this strange phenomenon actually promoted me to track its progress) and how it directly related to my life. Really, it's freaky.

(start at the bottom, the start of summer)

"Much of the world is shallow. Roll with it"- Juicy is currently feeling both judged, and extra judgemental for a variety of reasons

"Your friend needs you."- Juicy debates cutting off a friend in need due to excessive clingyness and feelings issues

"Good timing will be critical for you next week"- this was the first day of the week Juicy had 3 major things due, and ended up staying up till 5 to finish a paper

"Don't live with the brakes on"- nothing unless you really stretch it, and even then it was bad advice

"your life will be happy and peaceful"- juicy worries about college

"it is better to look good than feel good''- juicy thinks she needs to lose weight, and is feeling a little down, but is glad to have nice new college clothes

"your money worries are over!"- Juicy ran into another girl who was obsessed with getting ahead in the world financially and seemed to be perpetualy planning ahead (just like juicy's dad wants her to do). despite this pressure from dad, Juicy tries to remain in the moment and not too focused on carreer oriented decision making.

"a warm smile is charicteristic of a generous nature"- Juicy seeks out friends in college

"It doesn't matter. Who is without a flaw?"- can't remember, possibly another TP thing...

"make that overseas journey"- Juicy debates nagging her parents about going to Canada/Korea, or staying home.

"you will find a new love"- again, can't remember, either TheKaitzer or the kid I met at the party

"Don't be afraid to share power"-Juicy argues with her dad over control of her life

"use your knowledge to achieve immortality"- can't remember at all, was only minimally relevant

"you will recieve an important invitation"- either a week before the party or some other thing I went to over the summer, can't remember exactly, probably the former

"never be too busy to meet someone new"- TheKaitzer is fully considered

"a new outfit will brighten your day"- Juicy was thinking "i should get nicer clothes"

"call an old friend"- Juicy starts to talk to TP kid again, and also got in contact with someone else from her past minimally, can't remember who...

"Indecision can kill a deal"- forget, but it was relevant

"Keep your mouth shut"- trust me, this was good, relevant advice

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Cutting It Close

Just incase y'all were starting to think that college was actually helping me improve at life...

Thursday Evening

5pm- Juicy goes to extra credit chem lecture, and runs into professor.

Juicy: Oh, and our take home quiz is due monday, right?
Prof: No, it's due tomorrow
Juicy: was fortuitous....

12:30 am- Juicy actually starts take home quiz (blame this massive procrastination on canoes, full on nudity, school-sponsored mud wrestling, the Red Sox, and a spontaneous conversation that lasted over 2 hours)

1 am-friend calls, Juicy is distracted

2 am- Juicy decides she is too tired too work, and will do this tomorrow morning

Friday Morning:

6:30 am - Juicy's alarm goes off

6:40 am- Juicy's absent roomate's alarm BLARES, forcing her to really wake up, get out of bed, and shut it off.

7 am- Juicy still somehow manages to fall back asleep

7:15 am- the time Juicy told herself she would originally start working

8:15 am- the time juicy actually started working

9 am- the time her class starts.

10:10 am- juicy BSs the last section enough to make it look like she finished the quiz.

10:11 am- Juicy thinks "'s a good thing I started going to the gym again yesterday" as she, in a great feat of athleticism, SPRINTS down the street to class, covering a 20 minute walk in under ten minutes. (all the while still wearing bright pink pajama pants, a sweatshirt, and the quickest shoes she could find: cutsie brown flats)

10:20 am-(the end of class) Juicy comes to class, turns in her quiz with another clump of students up there, and leaves.

Happy weekend everybody.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

I feel Stupid and Contagious...

There's something about wearing a Tool T-shirt, even if it does rarely leave the back of my drawer, that always brings me back to my middle school, pseudo-badass roots. And that wasn't all that reminded me today either; oddly enough, it's been a collection of things recently. Today one of my friends was hosting a prospective student, and they jokingly cut me off when I started to talk about all the classes I'd skipped. Seeing OSK's new profile picture proudly sporting a red and black graffitti A (which, by the way, is the symbol for Anarchism, for all of you who did not have the enlightening middle school experience that I did) reminded me of the days when I was just begginning to embrace the full ideology of moral relativism. Even the song playing on my laptop as I went to blog was oddly relevant.

I Used to think that I was only a pseudo-badass, but I'm starting to wonder about that. True, badassism is in the eye of the beholder, and my hallmate was probably being excessivly patronizing when she referred to me as "Oh, Juicy, you rebel you..." (because really, how bad ass can you be for blatanly disobeying a teacher on a daily basis in elementary school for snacking) But then I realized- maybe I'm more of a badass than I thought. Of all my highschool friends, I'm probably the most likely to skip a commitment (then again sleeping because I was up all night working might counteract the badass effect), engage in illegal activities/mischief, convince others to engage in illegal activities/mischief, generally have a very minimal amount of respect for authority, and moreover, not feel particularly bad about any of the consequences of my actions. Plus, I did get Ad Hoc'd (albeit under VERY unusual circumstances, again, counteracting the badass effect). Before I was never too hasty to refer to myself as a badass because I knew both that there were many far more respectably disrespectable than me, and because I am capable of being a very considerate person. But perhaps I am a little more of a badass than I thought in the sense that It's not that I lack rules to live by, I just live by my own rules.

It seems that whenever major change rolls around in my life, or I am faced with having to find a new identity for myself relative to those around me, I tend to cling to these badass roots- regardless of how legitimate they actually were. As I have found myself with increasing collegiate freedom, I find myself thinking "What would the 9th grade Juicy have done?" and "When you graduate, Will you have made yourself from from 4 years ago proud?" The reason I have for not doing a lot of things is because of the possibility that my future self will regret it, but we haven't met her yet, now have we? And who is to say that my future self is any more or less legitimate a guide in life than my former self?

While at the end of the day this resolution may end up being no different than a 30 year old buying a Harley, perhaps it might also help me never get to that point in the first place. I know that one day I will have to face the fact that I am nolonger in middleschool/highschool/college (though I can still hope that grad school and early adulthood is secretly the biggest party of them all) and confess that I have infact "matured" at least a little. (*shudder*) But until then, it's not like I'm gaining any time. It's time to put a new spin on carpe diem, bitches.

Now, about scheduling that haircut....

Sunday, October 14, 2007

Let's Talk About Sex, Baby!

Last night, I saw a movie called "Secretary." In this film, a girl is recently released from an institution (where she was placed because she loves to inflict pain on herself) into the real world, and starts cutting again once she has to return to all of her same old family problems. In search of something to do, she gets a job as a secretary for a local lawyer. She stops cutting, only to replace the act with being his sexual submissive. (getting off from doing everything exactly as he tells her, then making mistakes on purpose so he can spank her, etc.) Just when I thought the film couldn't get any more bizarre, this kinky relationship comes to a halt because the lawyer realizes he is actually falling in love with her, and v.v. At the end of the film (WARNING SPOILER) the submissive secretary proves her to love to him up to a point where he cannot just ignore her (it was sorta gross...)and so finally he acknowledges that he loves her, they have a really hot sex scene, then get married. (If you were wondering, this film is rated R, has a shitload of nudity and I've never seen more scenes of a chick jerking off....anyway...) The main point of the ending narration was something about how they both understood each others' love for acknowledging the pain in life, and understanding how the other one enjoyed being loved.

As my friend was crooning over their adorable loving relationship and how incredibly cute it was, I found myself thinking "What the fuck? How could a movie that spends half of its time acting as porn- S&M porn at that- actually have led to a sweet and romantic ending?" (Another line also stood out, one from the tapes the protagonist listened too when she was coming out about being a submissive- "Who said love has to be soft and gentle all the time?" hmm...)

Sex is a biological necessity, but it's good for the species to do it with people they care about because that ensures better chances that the child will be well cared for. On the same note, It has also developed into a medium for showing affection for others, while silmuntaneously becoming a way to overpower and dominate them. And on the other end of the spectrum, lots of people will hava amazing sex with people they don't even know. (which perhaps brings this whole thing full circle, back to biological necessity) This is definitley not the first movie ever made inwhich something that started out as very sexually base actually devleoped into something more, but what exactly is the relationship between sex and, well, relationships?

I guess everyone's different- our class couple back in the day barely french kissed, but perhaps that stored up sexual tension (if it existed) resulted in their fighting on a daily basis? My friend said that when her parents met, they just knew they were meant for each other. They didn't really want to have sex, infact, the only reason they did was to have kids. (Ironically enough, that kid turned out to be sortof a horndog....perhaps its a recessive gene?) Another friend of mine once saw a documentary made about married asexual couples- that's right, couples that are married but have never actually had sex. They're reasoning? One woman said "things are so good now! why risk messing that up?" True, adding a sexual level to a relationship can complicate things, and that's one theory (according to another friend of mine) for why friends don't have sex. Then again, it can also enhance them. I was talking to another friend of mine who described having a deep emotional relationship with someone, in addition to a fantastic physical one, while still just being friends and dating other people. (Though I'd like to see where that relationship ends up in a few years...) When Odysseus was stuck with Calypso, he missed his wife dearly, but the goddess sugessted that they use sex as a medium to develop a positive relationship between them, and it did work up to a point.

As you can see, I don't really have an answer for all of this, Nor do I beleive that one exists that could be applied to the majority of the population, but until then, we may have at least figured out one thing...

About that halloween costume....

Wednesday, October 10, 2007

This Is The Day, My Life Will Surely Change?

There's something shitty about wedsnesdays, but today was extra disfunctional. I practically slept through my alarm, and when I saw I had to be leaving at that time inorder to get to class on time, I just thought "being late would suck, I'll just skip." This is a decision I have been making WAY too often lately. It is the third time in a row I have skipped chem class (yes, I know, my poor abused lover...) and factoring in a cancellation and break, I haven't been in that class for over a week. Then I told myself that this was for the better, I would sleep in for both chem and math, thus procuring more time to work on my lab. (this is also the umpteenth time I've skipped math) Since I'm a lazy ass, I only ended up with an extra 20 minutes of time to work on my lab report before I was 1o minutes late to lab. I finished up my shitty ass lab report (cuz I seriously had no idea what was going on for that entire experiement...) and handed it in. After lab, I found out I got a B on my chem midterm (*hides face in absolute SHAME*)* told my math teacher I was sick this morning (which is true but not at all why I didn't come to class) and sat down to blog before I have to deal with a week and a half's worth of undone government reading. Oh, and I'm starving.

I was just thinking to myself what an incapable, disfunctional fuck up I am (but shh! don't tell my parents!) and procrastinating emailing back my old advisor when I realized...wasn't I bitching about this
last year? Yeah, I'm in college now, but has anything really changed?

True, senior year did teach me alot about dealing with work (or rather, procrastinating and faking sick) and limits (or rather, pushing them) but am I making the same mistakes all over again? Should I actually start eating breakfast? Or should I feel no shame in being able to get by on showing up to half of my required classes in PJs 10 minutes late if I'm doing just fine in the class?

And then there's my personal life. I still spend the majority of my time working, but being in a different environment I lack the solid group of friends I could fall back on when the weekend rolled around. (Though weekends still manage to be a lot more fun if something good is going on) However, if I ever am really missing the old days of hanging out with people who actually know me (well, one at least) it's only a free bus ride (and maybe some trippy movies and half a bottle of rum) away.

Is this wierd because it's not what I expected, or is it wierd because (unlike many things in life) it's exactly what I was expecting without even realizing it?

*got an A in math

Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Oxi-Nation Reactions!

This is how you know you've been doing too much studying and not nearly enough sleeping:

Juicy [thinking to herself]: Yeah...I wanna be a chem minor, I'm taking orgo chem for fun!
Imaginary Conversational Adversary: You're crazy, you realize this has no relevance to what you want to do with your life? (Which, btw, is become and ACLU lawyer)
Juicy: well....actually, it relates quite well. The electrons in an atom are like people, and it takes energy to free them from the oppressive nucleus!
ICA: But don't electrons enjoy being in a state of least energy, eg bound to the nucleus?
Juicy: Well, perhaps it's because they've never known anything else, like how people in authoritative governement systems will stick to such systems simply because they find security in what they are familiar with, and do not know how to govern themselves. Besides, how do the electrons really know what they want?
ICA: So you're with Plato now? That's elitism.
Juicy: True... ouch, my bad. But the analogy still holds...You have to add energy to compunds to decompose/ionize them and release element's electrons, like how angry energy surrounding a political clevage can polarize a society and also make people more politically active. Once the atoms become free floating ions, they can form compounds different from the ones they were just split from, and then return to a lower energy state. This is similar to the way people en masse (because ionic compounds cannot form on the individual level) will revolt from the status quo, search for a different kind of government, then eventually settle down again once they are happy (If ever). The more electrons there are that attempt to attach themselves to a nucleus (or certain kind of government) the less the energy of the authoritative nucleus will affect them due to shielding. (even though this difference is minimal because they would all be in the same subshell...but bear with me) Thus, people are more likely to choose democratic governements, and the fact that the people have infact chosen this government makes it more accountable to their liberties and desires, just as Locke outlined in his Social Contract theory....Dude, I think we have the workings of a senior thesis!
ICA: *rolls eyes*

This is why I was chuckling to myself on my walk home tonight. Yeah....

Monday, October 01, 2007

7am: FUCK!!!

Common knowledge is that one does a better job of reflecting on their life and distancing themseleves from their problems after a solid night's sleep. But this is not always the case. After you have spent seven hours behind your own closed, flittering eyes, you start to think about things you never even knew were on your mind. During a normal night, once your mind could rest, it would first turn to the things that give it most pleasure- dreams about life goals, certain people, etc. etc. But when your trail of thought fails to slowly collapse into the random absurdity that is a dream sequence, you find yourself going far more in depth in your concious thought and reflection. You analyze your wishes and anything else on your plate, you run these things through your mind more vividly, and ponder their knitty-gritty realities and unexpected consequences. The issues of your life that you would normally suppress or simply choose not to think about rise to the surface and become mentally verbalized, and (if you're me) attempt to resolve themselves (again if you're me) often in the form of exceptionally clear, organized, eloquent, and detailed letters and/or speeches to major figures in your life. By the time 7am rolls around and the sun comes up, chances are you have already accepted your grim fate for the next day, and have reached a place of extreme zen (also partially brought about by sleep deprivation and its related insanity) and wisdom. True, it has been scientifically hypothesized is that the less sleep we get the more wisdom we lose, and thus turn into zombies. (trust me, I was once assimilated...) but I don't think sleep is always the answer. We all need these long, thoughtful nights and quiet morning moments, especially those of us who are always too lazy to wake up for them.

One thing you start to wonder about is fate, and the fate of your life. You wonder if it's all some great merciful (or serendipitous but initially cruel) "nexusy" coincidence that just as you saw the red digits turn on your bedside clock, the morning bell rang signalling the day off from school. (I screamed Fuck because I was hoping for Tuesday, but this might work even better...minus my lack of abilities due to sleep deprivation, of course. Then again, if it's really all about the sleep 2 nights before the exam, let's face it, I'm fucked.) It might also be another bizarre "nexusy" coincidence that after spending hours drafting a letter to your parents (one in particular) about how you're getting older, namely when it comes to relationships with other people, your roomate decides to celebrate the holiday with an episode of Sex and the City. And as you sit and enjoy your morning cold pizza, you watch an episode, randomly picked, called "Hot Child in the City." And guess what it was about.