Let's Talk About Feelings!

Well I'm still recovering from my dysfunctional weekend, and should probably spend this time working, but I was about to make another comment on JVs blog when I realized this was an incredibly worthy (and long, sorry) post within itself.

Can you ever "just be yourself?" do you inevitably have to choose a clique? and when this choice is made, though perhaps not conciously, how much does it affect your own sense of identity?

It's true, having a more normalized sense of identiy will immidiatley give you an easier time socially- you know what your "group" looks like, what they care about, what they do on weekends, and you will probably click with them immidiatley, before you've even realized the subtle social psychology at work.

But what if your sense of identity hasn't fit a predictable stereotype since middle school? What if your group of friends since lord-knows-when contains a beloved, bizarre type of diversity? What if you could see yourself being friends with all sorts of people? In other words, what if you're me?

Let's start at the begginning- middle school. Very predictable group of friends defined simply by the fact that we were all unpopular girls who didn't wear Abercrombie and Fitch or listen to Britney. Me: the artsy girl wearing the skirt over pants or a sparkly top hat (im serious-it was an awesome look) on any given day because she thought it looked cool and didn't really care about what anyone else thought. Sortof punk, but not too hard core aesthetically.

Now I get shipped off to prep school- total culture shock, pushing me to stick even more faithfully to my punk/alternative roots, even if they were not so strong to begin with. (I do still love some of that music though, and I am forever a flaming activist liberal). Needless to say, I was completely antisocial for that year excluding a junior (who was equally crazy she just hadn't discovered it yet, shout outs, you're welcome :) ) a nice sophomore, and my roomate who hated me but warmed up eventually.

My second year of prepschool- all my hardcore-not-giving-a-shit-about-anything attitude somehow magically becomes converted to work ethic, and I get intouch with my inner nerd. Apparently I love school....who knew. Meanwhile, I change dorms and get to know some cooler, more alternative people that I genuinley become friends with. As much as I love my new dorm-mates, I also meet another group of artsy/nerdy newcomers. And this is where I find myself stuck between a similar dichotomy that JV describes: you can have lots of friends, but inevitbly, if its a solid group you're looking for, the choice is inevitble. You will end up spending more time with some people than others. Luckily, it wasn't really a concious decision. The reason I'm not really worried about my current situation (which I'll describe in a minute) is because if prep school taught me one thing: the best things in life just sort of happen. You don't have to worry about who you are friends with, because eventually that choice will be made for you in a completely natural and organic way. And as for the others, they're still some of my besties, so really, don't worry about it.


It is that experience- from lots of random friends, to no friends, to lots of demi-friends, to an arguable clique of close friends, to an arguable clique plus the roadtrip crew, that is currently keeping me sane.

Now, I am in college. I have met lots of people I genuinely like, but I can't really say I have a set group. While most people in my dorm found others they clicked with and created their own social sub group, I tended to click with one or two people per group across multiple cliques, so I still feel like I'm testing the waters socially. (This is made harder by the fact that I can be an incredibly judgemental person, and even though the best friendships-god, I sound like OSK- happen organically, I still put a decent amount of effort into deciding who I want to bother to socialize with. Oh, and I'm naturally self-sufficient, fine with being alone, and untrusting of people, so needless to say adjusting will take me awhile, but I'm ok with that.) Plus my school has so many people I want to get to know and that seem cool, I am depressed at the thought that I could have met my best friend ever but just didn't bump into her.

Now let's take this back to sense of self- I am still figuring this out. during the week, I am a hardcore nerd/dork, but I turn into the biggest rebel/party girl on weekends. (There's social dichotomy #1 right there. Eg- last weekend) At times I can be artsy and creative, other times more intellectual and straightforward. I can be very, very girly at times, and other times not so much at all. (This perpetual hybridization and redefinition of sense of self, if you were wondering, is why I have so many clothes.)

So, When I have found my clique, (if I ever do- I'm in no rush and by no means stressed about it having survived my sophomore year of prep school) will this crazy smorgasbord of personality traits and styles magically fall into line? It is inevitable that some end up getting more stressed than others, but isn't college supposed to be all about personal growth?

And then there are people like my roomate- people who magically seem to immidiatley become best friends with everyone, while silmontaneously creating their own little clique of besties and having the most incredible social networking skills you've ever seen in your life, while also being an incredibly chill, confident, person. Are people like that just "being themselves?" or secretly do they to wonder what's going on and where they fit? Having lived with one I doubt it, but this really isn't relevant to me seeing as I obviosly lack that gene. (Or I do just minus the social-networking and everyone-wants-to-hang-with-me-all-the-time chromosomes)

Here's a final thought: At the very start of middle school my best friend was really preppy. Some days at lunch I sat with her and her friends at one table, and on other days I sat with some of my other friends. One day, one of her friends said to me "Oh my god, can't you just choose one already?" with the bitchiest tone ever. I didn't sit at that table very much after that. Don't be that bitch.