Monday, November 23, 2009

Fuck Buddies


(Or "If I'm Ever Asked to Give a Speech Inwhich I Impart Deep, Life-Learned Wisdom upon Youth, This will Surely Be It")

Today I was talking with a friend of mine who was faced with a common decision: should she or should she not make plans to hook up with someone, despite the fact that she had been consistantly sleeping with someone else almost everyday for the past month. While the obvious answer is "yes, why not, you're just sleeping together," it provided me with the opportunity to do some serious thinking about the term "Fuck Buddies" and it lead to some pretty startling revelations.

I have always been an advocate of the great, clean cut simplicity that the term "fuck buddies" or any variation thereof seems to offer. While most people argue that just trying to keep things at that level will ultimatley fail- either resulting in a more meaningful relationship or one person desiring a more meaningful relationship and being sorely dissapointed, I disagree. Call me an idealist, but I honestly believe that it is possible in this world for two people to maintain a steady sexual relationship, and even maybe a simultaneously normal one too, without having things get too messy.

But why do things get messy? I think I've figured it out. You see, even though both parties will gladly acknowledge that they are each others' "fuck buddies" (or booty call, or FWP, or what ever they've decided to call it) and honestly admit to anyone else that they're using the other person to at least a small degree, they would hate to really think the same thing of themselves. It all depends on the way each person looks at it. While most people have no problem with "they're physically attracted to me but for some reason or another have no desire to be in a relationship" (the core basics of your average fuck buddy/FWP/BC situation) they may well have a problem with "When they're really feeling desperate and have run out of all hotter options, that's when they call me up!" or "They have a medical condition where they're just really horny all the time and have to take it out on someone!" (both of which may well be hidden or not-so-hidden details in such a relationship). In sum, It has very little to do with how much you like your fuck buddy, but very much to do with how much you think your fuck buddy likes you.

The key then, to maintaining an ideal and long lasting fuck-buddy relationship, is not nearly as simple as one might think. It requires either a.) a thorough, and at least semi-respectful understanding between two people that may actually not be so easy to find with just anyone, or b.) an intricate and careful manipulation- a balance of feeding the other person's ego just enough so that they'll enjoy sleeping with you and not feel like a tool, but not excessively so that they think you might actually want something more out of the relationship. In the latter sense, the ideal fuck-buddy relationship, therefore, might actually be a surprisingly challenging thing to maintain. Furthermore in the latter case, an ideal and lasting fuck-buddy relationship actually never lets its members see it for what it truly is in too much detail, even if they both well know the basics what's going on.

To conclude, while sex drive is obviously a key factor in perpetuating a fuck-buddy based relationship, ego and self-esteem can actually be just as important.




Hm. Fascinating.

6 comments:

Viva Denmark! said...

Maintaining any sort of sexual relationship is primarily mental, secondarily physical. If one is trying to have a long-lasting, meaningful FWB situation, you're going to end up having to form some sort of mental agreement that forces the relationship to remain mentally static in order to preserve the physical aspects. Elsewise... you're going to end up in what's considered a 'sticky situation.' Damn limbic systems and consciousness, always getting in the way of things.

The Juicy One said...

So you're saying that people will ultimatley end up emotionally invested in the other person unless they make a purposeful attempt not to be? I don't know about that, but it is possible. I mean, there are people who have dated, realized it was not worth it mentally, but still fuck on the side without further complications. (though I'm not sure how common that is)

Viva Denmark! said...

Yeah, I would say so. And even then, there still is going to be a level of emotional investment. We are human, after all, and no matter what the legacy Descartes might have left, we are not divided beings.

As for people who used to date and now just have a sexual relationship on the side- that still requires a certain level of emotional involvement even if it's not a 'fallen in love' type of thing.

The Juicy One said...

See, the one thing preventing me from disagreeing with you is the sucessful existance of hookers, though I suppose the really pro ones might know what games to play with people..

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