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Every year, I tell my family that I'd really prefer not to go on the traditional family vacation down to the Virgin Islands, and every year I manage to somehow get guilted in dragging my sulking self up at 6am the day after Christmas to spend 4-10 days in the tropics. Of course, no one I have ever met actually understands my plight. It's always "Oh, how lucky you are to be going there!" or "Oh that's just wonderful!" and I have to smile and agree with them because if I say anything otherwise I'm clearly a spoiled brat. No, No it's not wonderful. There was a time when it was wonderful, of course, but those days are long gone. Now, family vacations just mean I have to spend several days in solitary confinement with my neurotic relatives in a cell phone deadzone with nothing to do except swim, sleep on the beach, and go out to dinner with them. One day we might go out on a boat or go into town, but honestly that's it- we lie on the beach and do nothing for several days. It is an epic waste. Normally at least one fight occurs, so with no other distractions I'm left brooding about it for at least double the normal time period. While most people would revel in the opportunity to do so many new and exciting things, 20 years of the exact same routine has left me so jaded that I honestly could care less. After two days, I'm already in a horrible mood, counting down the days till departure, and keeping up the mental mantra of "get me the fuck off this island" as if I were actually shipwrecked.

I don't care if I sound spoiled but I have yet to see how nice weather and a first class ticket compensate for this. Luckily I've had no problem drinking here since I was 15, but that's pretty much the only available coping method.

Infact, I've decided I prefer summer in New England to tropical vacations. After winter I feel like I've really earned the heat.

But...Why Mario!?

So recently a friend of mine decided to time how long it took him to get 120 stars in Super Mario 64. Now my interest in video games has peaked significantly compared to around this time last year, but there is one thing I still don't get: Why Mario!?

I mean, if you're looking for really awesome graphic battle scenes this is obviously not the place to find it. The locations are creative and the stars and characters are cute, but that's pretty much it. And if you're looking for an exciting adventure, well, you're probably just going to end up rescuing Peach for the fiftieth time, or following some other random-ass plot like finding a baby that the stork dropped in the wrong spot, or scrubbing up graffiti. I mean really, who comes up with this stuff? How does it actually sell well? And to teenage boys?

And then there's Mario himself- for starters, he's cruel to animals. I mean had he not mistreated his poor little pet ape in the first place then half of the problems he has to deal with wouldn't have even developed. We're all supposed to empathize with him because he's a plumber and supposedly just your average joe, but when you and all of your friends live in castles that really just makes you a total poser. Not to mention you're clearly loaded or where else would you get the money to keep up your immense drug habit. C'mon, all those magic stars and rainbows? the mushroom kingdom? I'm no fool.

Finally, if you're going to risk your life (lives?) to rescue a chick that means one of two things: either a.) you're banging her, or b.) you wish you were banging her. So far Mario has rescued Pauline, Princess Peach, and Princess Daisy. This is my interpretation of events: Pauline was officially his girlfriend so she was clearly putting out and there's no shame in that. Soon afterwards, however, she dissapeared. She was probably sick of being number two to Mario's "just friend" Princess Peach, who has managed to get Mario to come save her pink little tush on a variety of occassions. And for what? A peck on the cheek and some cake? Totally pussywhipped. And then there's Princess Daisy. Ew, really dude? She's with your brother.


Now this* I would pay to see. But until then, I think an explanation is definitley in order.

Oh Peach, you ho...

*Wait... she's has to get the Vibe Sceptor? Uh.. double entendre much? And she fights with her feelings? Screw that. I mean jeez you might aswell at least create some sort of "PMS" wildcard while you're at it.

THE ENEMY:

Recently Located: All over my appartment

Origins: I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA!

Directive: K.O.S.

Comments:

I kill at least two of these BBs a day in my bedroom, yet somehow, there always seems to be two more spinning around my bed. My Bed! Ew! They currently dominate the airspace above the kitchen sink, and the bathroom is the only remaining uninfiltrated base. I don't even want to think about what's happenned in my nasal cavity while I sleep at night. If I see another one I think I am going to lose my mind. Silly Europeans with no screens on their windows; this has to stop. From here on out, this means war.



PS- I think the AE is getting to me...