Thursday, December 17, 2009

But...Why Mario!?

So recently a friend of mine decided to time how long it took him to get 120 stars in Super Mario 64. Now my interest in video games has peaked significantly compared to around this time last year, but there is one thing I still don't get: Why Mario!?

I mean, if you're looking for really awesome graphic battle scenes this is obviously not the place to find it. The locations are creative and the stars and characters are cute, but that's pretty much it. And if you're looking for an exciting adventure, well, you're probably just going to end up rescuing Peach for the fiftieth time, or following some other random-ass plot like finding a baby that the stork dropped in the wrong spot, or scrubbing up graffiti. I mean really, who comes up with this stuff? How does it actually sell well? And to teenage boys?

And then there's Mario himself- for starters, he's cruel to animals. I mean had he not mistreated his poor little pet ape in the first place then half of the problems he has to deal with wouldn't have even developed. We're all supposed to empathize with him because he's a plumber and supposedly just your average joe, but when you and all of your friends live in castles that really just makes you a total poser. Not to mention you're clearly loaded or where else would you get the money to keep up your immense drug habit. C'mon, all those magic stars and rainbows? the mushroom kingdom? I'm no fool.

Finally, if you're going to risk your life (lives?) to rescue a chick that means one of two things: either a.) you're banging her, or b.) you wish you were banging her. So far Mario has rescued Pauline, Princess Peach, and Princess Daisy. This is my interpretation of events: Pauline was officially his girlfriend so she was clearly putting out and there's no shame in that. Soon afterwards, however, she dissapeared. She was probably sick of being number two to Mario's "just friend" Princess Peach, who has managed to get Mario to come save her pink little tush on a variety of occassions. And for what? A peck on the cheek and some cake? Totally pussywhipped. And then there's Princess Daisy. Ew, really dude? She's with your brother.

this* I would pay to see. But until then, I think an explanation is definitley in order.

Oh Peach, you ho...

*Wait... she's has to get the Vibe Sceptor? Uh.. double entendre much? And she fights with her feelings? Screw that. I mean jeez you might aswell at least create some sort of "PMS" wildcard while you're at it.