The Six Classes You Will Have In College

Confused about all those different numbers, sections, and capitalized department abbreviations? Don't be. Screw distribution requirements. Here you have it readers, my great wisdom passed down to you as a reward for reading my Juicy Blog. And just because I love you, I've also added a handy "Where can I find one of these?" labelling system, to facilitate the use of this post into planning your own schedule.


The Bitch- When you look back on this semester, you will immidiatley think of this class and shudder. It has a daily, haunting prescence in your life that will only end after the final, and you're already planning on just how drunk you're going to get afterwards. This class meets most days of the week, and despite doing the daily assigned homework and putting countless hours into studying, you still just won't get it somehow. This class is guaranteed to drop your GPA by at least .5 points, and half of the class will have declared it pass/fail or changed their longterm academic plans to accomadate this before the semester is out. End up stuck in one of these? Don't worry, it's painful, but it will make you a better person.

Where Can I find one of these? Introductory foreign language, Core non-introductory math and science classes.



The Joke- Only in the hazy, theoretical world of academia could this actually be considered a "class" by the most technical definition. The daily homework (if there even is any) can easily be bullshitted in the first ten minutes of class, and is probably something hillarious like "keep a journal" or "color in how you feel today." Your final exam probably will resemble an arts and crafts project, and assigned reading (again, if there even is any) is few,far between, and never anything a staple can't hold together. So long as you show up and do a good job of making the teacher think you actually take the "material" seriously, this class has easy A written all over it.

Where Can I find one of these? Non core theatre department classes, Non core art department classes, Maybe some fuzzy interdepartmentals and non core/not intended for majors math classes.



The Class You Forget You Have- Whenever someone asks you about your schedule, you will quickly tell them all your other classes, and then wait five seconds with a puzzled look on your face before you remember what "the other one" is. This class meets only a few days a week, and it's not uncommon for you to temporarily forget your professor's name, the course number, or even where the room is. Even though this class has a pretty hefty reading list, you long ago realized that to even attempt to put a dent in it was futile, so you rely entirely on the notes you take in class (which, inorder to compensate for meeting so few times a week, lasts longer than anyone's attention span). This is OK, however, because you are only graded on 1-3 miniscule "response papers" on short readings, and 2 or 3 big papers that only require skimming the relevant reading for good quotes. There might be a take home final or large,research paper involved (temporarily causing the class's stress levels to approach "Bitch" proportions) but other wise, just show up and your'e solid. By the end of the semester you will have a decent grade, but you will have learned absolutely nothing.

Where can I find one of these? Non core/non intro Humanities and Government classes, Intro interdisciplinary studies classes.



The Good, Solid Class- In times of darkness, this class is your GPA's last glimmer of hope. This class meets often and has daily assignments, but miraculously, it is taught at a level that perfectly matches your competence so you can keep up almost effortlessly. You might even frequently volunteer to talk or do work on the board. This class is what education was supposed to be. Add in a good professor, and it's where Majors are made. So long as you don't totally blow off studying for the final, you're good to go, and you might actually learn a thing or two.

Where Can I find one of these? Lower level foriegn litterature classes, Introductory (100 level) science classes



The Lab- Even though the lab is only worth 1/4 the credit of a normal class at my institution, any experienced Science student knows it should be worth at least half. Yes, it only meets once a week for three hours. But these hours are spent in grave danger: avoiding being blinded by lasers, risking dangerous chemical burns, or downright disgusting (not to mention smelly) experiences. And all for the progress of science...Plus, for every class session, you will spend double that time writing up the weekly lab report, and another few hours trying to figure out the prelab, all while keeping your notebook neat, tidy, and toxin free. Playing around with little cars, chemicals, or dead animals may seem fun and carefree at first, but this class will quickly reach "Bitch"-like stress levels; Especially in that fabulous moment where you look at the clock, see the digits turn to ten or eleven at night, and then remember "Shit! I have lab tomorrow!"

Where can I find one of these? If you can't figure that out yet, you might not be suited for a collegiate education. Have you thought about technical school?



The Life-Defining Extra Curricular- Even though you will not get credit for this org/sport/activity, you will gladly devote just as much time (if not more) to it as you would any class, and sometimes it will stress you out just as much as well. Not only are you a member, you're on the board, and you're tight with everyone else who's involved. This will be your saving grace when you have to write resumes for internships over the summer, and you feel that, in some way, this activity actually helps define you as a person.

Where can I find one of these? (see last answer)