Thursday, September 18, 2008

Can I Get That In Pink?

So I was procrastinating my homework (as usual) and came across an AOL article (slideshow, really. Go watered-down American media!) of unusual and award winning homes. It was then when I saw this baby:

This is Jayne Mansfield's "Pink Palace" and the official inspiration for my future residence. You can now see why I felt an immidiate, intimate, dare I say Nexusy connection with the building:

It was truly, as Jayne described it, "a heart-shaped house with a heart-shaped pool." To decorate the house, Jayne wrote to over a thousand individual furniture dealers asking for free samples, and offering in return the right to brag that their wares were in her "outlandish mansion." (Something I so would do, and Nexusy connection #2) I was just wondering how much I would have to make a year in some obnoxious oh-so-not-for-puiblic-interest lawfirm to attempt to buy this baby when learned (to the sound of my heart breaking, and a slight sigh of relief for my future serving the public good) that it was demolished....on my 13th birthday (Nexusy connection #3). And if all this does not go to show that I am clearly the reincarnation of Mrs. Jayne Mansfield herself, here is a picture of her:

(Nexusy connections 4 and 5) Perhaps anatomy and personal taste are somehow obscurly linked?

Oh, and Juicy fact: Her daughter plays Olivia Benson on Law&Order (Nexusy connection#6)

Monday, September 15, 2008

Glimpsing The Future

Today on the weekly pilgrimage to Target, I was in the checkout line and noticed the woman ahead of me. She was buying around 30 (yes, I counted, 30) composition/ spiral notebooks, three large packets of Bic pens, and cat food for her six (yes, she said so, six) cats.

Nothing else.

That's pride.

Thursday, September 11, 2008

Popeye = Lies

Everyday, people live their lives by a series of assumptions and "facts" that society has engrained into them over the years. "Eight hours of sleep is better for you than four," for example, and the ever famous "There are some things in life that you just need to do, whether you like it or not."

But the following is a potent reminder that just about any of these facts can be completely wrong. Never hesitate to question the authority, you might just be right after all.

Everyday, parents force spinach down the throats of disugusted, unhappy children at mealtime. When the children complain, the parent says "But honey, you need to eat spinach because it's good for you. You need all that iron to grow into a healthy grown-up!" and continues to force the vile substance down the child's throat. This leaves the child feeling violated, and the parent feeling guilty, but knowing that they are doing what is right for their child.

Or are they? Children, the time has come to rise against your elders. They are incorrect, and you need suffer no longer. Next time you are forced to swallow mouthful after mouthful of abhorrent green abomination, retalliate with the truth. Retaliate with this:

"Actually, the kind of Iron in spinach is inorganic, and it's physically impossible for our bodies to absorb any more than a mere tenth of it, even with a huge amount of Vitamin C to aid the absorption process. That's the same Iron content as most other vegetables, and even less than others."

If you're parents haven't already had their minds blown with the sheer power of that statement (and their child's excellent knowledge of college level Biochemistry which clearly exceeds their own), and in return say something like "You should still eat your Spinach because of all the other healthy vitamins and minerals in it!" then tell them this:

"It is true that Spinach will give you around half of your daily dose of a few types of B vitamins, which is impressive compared to some other vegetables (broccoli especially. I should note here that broccolli only contains trace amounts of any vitamin or mineral and could easily be susbtituted for a tastier necessity.) but there are far more efficient ways to get it. Carrots actually contain double the B vitamins of spinach, along with other nutrients, and taste far better when served caramelized with sugar. To make spinach an even less admirable sounding option, one should add that spinach actually contains over %400 of your daily dose of Vitamin K. Think that sounds healthy? Wrong. Vitamin K is fat soluble, not water soluble. This means that if you exceed the daily dose then your body cannot easily excrete the rest, so it becomes stored in the body's fatty tissue. Regularly exceeding the reccomended dosage by 2-3 times the normal amount (which spinach clearly does) can actually lead to health problems later in life."

What's that? Did I just say that Spinach could be considered less healthy than other vegetables? Why yes, yes I did. Now go on, children, take that which I have given you and set out into the world to spread the glories of truth and freedom from the oppression of misinformed parents everywhere.


Did you like what you just read? Excellent. Because in a few weeks, the Mango is going Pro : ).

Friday, September 05, 2008

The End Of An Era

For those of you who read my blog frequently, you might be wondering what became of the Miracle that is The Most Holy Hannukah Shampoo. And the truth is, in the true fashion of holy relics past, we may never know.

For those of you not so informed, here is the story: In April of 2007, JV was sent on an excursion to the grocery store to procure for me some daily necessities that I myself could not get ahold of. Not much attention was paid to these products at first (snack foods, beverages, hair and body care) but as time continued I observed a strange phennomenon. While the food was eaten up, the conditioner and body wash was used up, and the shower puff slowly disintegrated, the shampoo remained. An epic 3/4 of a year later, the shampoo was still fully intact. As of that moment, we realized that this was no ordinary shampoo- but a holy relic that, despite already lasting longer than any hair care product I have ever used so much of on such a regular basis, still had magical powers of longevity. It was then when we first wondered just how long this shampoo would last, and for how long we would witness this great miracle: The Miracle of the Hannukah Shampoo.

And as I said, following in the footsteps of great holy relics before it, we may never really know. For any of those hoping, in years to come, to form a gang of theologians, archaologists, explorers, and anthropolgists in order to quest for the lost Grail of the millenium (or for those simply curious), here is what scripture tells us:

"The Shampoo lasted, for certain, for a most incredible and holy six months after it was first recognized in all its true glory. That's one year and four months of miraculous existance. After that the shampoo was left almost unused for five weeks due to a necessary migration, but still performed its miraculous powers in the rare instances when it was ecalled upon. Once the migratory period had ended, it is very possible that the Shampoo could have continued in faithful miraculous service, as it did for at least a week after the Great Returning. But we will never know. We will never know because the Shampoo was betrayed. And yes ladies and gentleman, I, Juicy, am the cursed betrayor. While packing for another Great Migration, I questioned my faith. I packed not only the Most Holy Hannukah Shampoo, but another bottle, fearing the magic might cease soon. While unpacking my mother, as much the Eve of our time as I the Judas, asked of me "Why on earth did you pack two containers of shampoo, one of which looks to be nearly empty?" and my most unholy, lazy self was not willing to affirm my faith. I felt ridiculous attempting to preach the Word, as I should have done. Instead I replied in indifference and in lies ("I dunno") and the Most Holy Shampoo has not been seen since..."

Perhaps it lives on? Perhaps somewhere in the holy nooks and crannies of my room it continues in secret hiding, waiting for the great Ressurection, for the day when it will once again grace our lives with its holy existance? After all, it was never seen in my garbage can. But maybe it does not? Maybe it was disposed of far before I realized just what a great, cosmological crime I had comitted? And if it was never disposed of in such a shameful, disrespectful manner, how long would it have lasted? As you can see, from here on my friends, it is truly, more than ever, a question of Faith.

But for now, let us take a moment to celebrate this Most Holy Relic and its miraculous run, which lasted, even at its least, almost a year and a half. And of course, let us pray that some day I can be forgiven for my most abominable sin. And as those who cursed against the powers above in the Old Testament were marked with a mark of sin, I too have been marked. Indeed, because of this mark, I shall never again know the joys of the Miraculous Hannukah Shampoo, as I myself must now start on new type of cleansing... *

*... cleansing for color treated hair :D

Tuesday, September 02, 2008

A Trip To The Zoo

Possibly the best thing you can see on a syllabus:

"Tests: 3 midterms (40-50 mutiple choice questions, in class) + final. Grading is based strictly on test scores, no curves. Typically (but not always) >80= A and ~65%= B.

Text: There is no assigned reading, but it helps to read the related material in the text which will be indicated."

What have I been doing with my life!? It's official- the Zoo is a gift from God to help students in actually challenging institutions get a break once inawhile, while learning about literally anything under the sun. Seriously, that system an even sweeter deal than pass/fail.

Let it be known, however, that 3-4 people need to drop this class to assure me a space in it, (damn premonition dream ruining my perfect plan...) and if a space that could have been mine goes to any of the three coasting, careless jocks that walked in five minutes late (or any other such characters that are probably just looking for an easy A in a science class) I will personally find out their names, hunt them down, and threaten to castrate them with a paperclip if they don't find another means of just barely graduating.

Wait, perhaps that was a little harsh...Oh well. I need this. Seriously.